Persephone: Parent

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Is It Any Different?

Apparently tonight is going to be my third night of difficulties going to sleep, but I’m not constantly itching and scratching. Neither am I hysterically crying so this is going to have to end up a better night.

Right?

I’ve always had random bouts of insomnia. The odd night here or there where I just cannot sleep. It doesn’t normally last longer than one night though. I guess pregnancy hormones are a completely different ball game.

I was just lying here, unable to sleep when it dawned on me how similar right now is to all those months I was trying to conceive.

For three years, every 26-27 days my head would start going crazy. I never figured out if it was the hormones already dropping or if it was the anticipation and hope. But every month I would hope and wait, hope a little bit more and it never worked.

I used to think that I was naive and stupid. Every month that’s what I’d tell myself afterwards. Because for those few days leading up to 28/29 (which would become day 1) I became an expert in ignoring my own body.

I would be able to ignore the obvious mood change that would otherwise be screaming period! I would be able to ignore how my breasts hurt or any twinges of period pain. I would be naive and stupid enough to convince myself that they were also signs of pregnancy not failure.

After all those months I became quite good at lying to myself month after month which only ever hurt me more. Deep down I guess that I always knew.

Until the month we did the IUI. It wasn’t our final hope but there was still pressure. That month I had no breakdown. I had no usual signs and yet I still kept telling myself that it couldn’t have worked. I was still trying to lie to myself.

I can remember taking the pregnancy test as my husband showered and I peaked at it before he was ready. I peaked because I knew. Just as, deep down, I’d always known the truth no matter how hard I lied to myself every single month I failed, I knew the IUI had worked.

Now all those hopes and anticipations are the exact opposite.

I’ve read all the first signs of labour and know some of what I should be looking out for so now I keep hoping for them. I keep anticipating them. So perhaps the monthly breakdown of my mental state was more linked to my hopes and anticipations because maybe that’s what’s happening again now.

The hope and anticipation of starting labour, but it not starting yet is causing my tearful breakdowns and down moods.

What truly made me think of all this was when it dawned on me. Where I spent 3 years hoping and praying, ignoring the first twinges of period pain now, as an early sign, I keep hoping and praying for “period pain”.

Of course I’m also hoping that with this revelation my mind calms down and allows me to sleep!

~ Persephone M
#ElvisIsComing

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8 Days: Treats!

So last night was the second night of proper good old insomnia and my bump wasn’t actually as annoying as it has been at night.

Along with my newly found tearfulness (crying before and after I eventually went to sleep), I have decided what today’s treat will be.

Yesterday I treated myself to lunch out rather than all the boring food I have in the house. I also bought Elvis a baby bouncer and more clothes. Due to my itchy rash, I chose to not go swimming.

Today, my shopping treat is going to be a strawberry milkshake from a nearby fast food place. I don’t care how bad it might be for me – it’s sunny and I’m going to enjoy my summer! And then I’m going to go swimming.

I don’t care that hubby doesn’t think I should go swimming anymore (he’s worried how mortified I’d be if my waters go whilst there. Its a big pool) but I need to do something and walking is not very practical at the moment.

I also received a Johnson’s baby set free in the post:

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And I love all my freebies and mini stuff.

I might sort out some images of the nursery soon!

Today will be a better day!
~ Persephone M
#ElvisIsComing

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7 Day Itch… In More Ways Than One

Today is officially my 6th day of maternity (although it’s still actually annual leave) but because the hubby was at football all day Saturday, today is day 7 of alone time.

And hubby’s working late so I’m alone for even longer.

I’m not going to say that I’m bored, I think it might just be a weird day. I’m starting to worry.

A lot.

There are still 9 days until my EDD and aside from a few Braxton Hicks in the early evening there is no sign of Elvis. According to my GP earlier, his head isn’t engaged yet. Meanwhile my friend was induced last night at 37 weeks early.

Her induction truly makes me feel like I’m the last and I’m trying my hardest to not wallow in a TTC state of mind. It’s difficult.

Especially when Elvis isn’t engaged. Especially when, aside from a moses basket stand, I’ve bought everything I think we need. Including yet more clothes! Especially when it still hurts enough as to how we got here, as the days count down I seem to be more and more aware of it.

Especially when my itchy, spot covered stretch marks are still itching like hell and I now seem to have a rash on my arms and I’m itchy all over.

I’m worrying whether he’s anterior or posterior. I’m worrying because the nurse won’t give me a blood test to check my liver until Friday. I’m worrying that multiple people are purposefully arranging a visit that could be far too early for my liking and I seem to have no control. I’m worrying that I’m going to be expected to be fine and coping but that in actual fact I won’t be. I’m worrying that absolutely everyone will be able to tell me how I’m doing everything wrong because they’ve all been there and done that.

I’m worried that I’m going to end up failing at everything like I always have done.

~ Persephone M

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12 Until the EDD

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Day 5 of maternity and I’ve just been shopping – stocking up on the essentials.

Chocolate, fruit, bin bags and biscuits!

Now to eat some fruit.

~ Persephone M

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Planning Nature’s Unplannable

I think its suitably time now to declare that day 3 of my maternity leave is terribly rubbish and all I really want to do constantly is cry.

It started off as mere annoyance that I was having TV problems, but then, I essentially got called anal by a friend and I am fed up with all of this.

Apparently making a birth plan makes one anal because whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. No matter what you write down.

First off, am I that dumb to not be aware of that?

Secondly, a birth plan is a plan, its advice. Mine puts down my main priorities in a birth not exactly how I want it to happen.

I think I’m just generally fed up with everyone else’s opinions. I’m sick of family who had babies 30 years ago telling me that second hand travel cots with no bassinet level is fine for a newborn. Immediately after declaring “they didn’t even have them in my day”.

Then what exactly do you know about travel cots and sleeping newborns?

Fair enough, newborns haven’t changed but knowledge has. And I’m the one who’s been reading, not them.

I’m fed up with people telling me over and over that I need to buy a steriliser and bottles. First of all it was in case I change my mind. Then if there’s a problem. Then so hubby can do night time feeds. Then to give Elvis a drink if he gets thirsty.

I shot every bloody reason down and they finally gave up.

I’m sick of everyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. Not when not one of them understands.

It’s been 4 years since we decided to start trying to conceive and whilst we finally managed it, there’s still no real tangible baby yet. And even though there is finally a life maturing within me, almost ready to be, it didn’t happen naturally.

So no one with their advice knows what I’m feeling and thinking.

All their babies were 100% natural from the start.

So don’t tell me the opposite of healthcare professionals and what they advise, not when it was a healthcare professional that enabled me to get pregnant. Don’t tell me to share the feeding with hubby, when I don’t want to.

Don’t tell me that bottles of water will keep Elvis hydrated when that is medically wrong. Don’t tell me that I will need pain relief more than gas and air when it’s of super importance that I try and give birth naturally. Just because we have the ability to not be in pain doesn’t mean we should jump at it being pain free.

Don’t tell me how a newborn should be sleeping when you haven’t waited 4 years for that baby. And don’t tell me that babies have their own timetable because do people really believe that I have issues with things not going to how I planned?

I planned on having a baby when I wanted it. I planned on having my first child 3 years ago. I planned every single month during 3 whole years. And it didn’t all change when I stopped planning.

It changed when a nurse gave me drugs that I injected into myself and when a doctor put a catheter into my uterus and put hubby’s sperm there.

I got married, got the home, got the safe and secure jobs because that’s the first part of any plan to have a baby. But my entire plan went out the window.

So, yes, I plan on giving birth with no pain relief at the hospital I’ve chosen and to then breastfeed.

And I think I’m more aware of any of those family and friends who keep imposing their opinions that plans are simply words carried away by winds.

4 years I’ve been waiting and reading and hoping. So yeah I’m anal enough to write a birth plan and, yeah, I might want a natural birth far more than anyone else, but I spent 3 years with my plans failing because of my own lack of natural ability and if having a 100% natural birth can make me forget that drugs and needles made Elvis then that’s what I’m going to try my hardest for.

~ Persephone M

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I Can’t Get No…

… Sleep!

I have just got up 10am after a 3 hour nap because Elvis decided to be super active from 0400-0430 and then 0500-0520 which is when I decided to get up.

Add his Lord Wriggliness to my bump hurting as I try and roll over. Or my new severe pelvic/pubic pain as I roll. Oh and not forgetting my super night-time itchy stretchmarks (I’ve self diagnosed PUPPP), I really can’t get much sleep.

Is it really nature and evolution’s way of preparing me for once Elvis is physically here?

I’m really glad that I’ve started my maternity leave (today is day 2!) because I could not be coping at work with this little sleep.

Meanwhile my plans for weekdays until Elvis makes an appearance are… Pretty much nothing! I intend on going swimming everyday at 3pm. I’m going to go buy some home essentials later today, and maybe some nursing tops just so I can spend some money on me!

I have plans to go out for dinner tonight. Even if the sun goes away before then, I wanted an adult meal out – me and hubby. I might even let him have some wine.

Other than that I really want to tidy the kitchen cupboards! What fun!

Now to wait for the final load of baby washing and then shopping!

~ Persephone M
#ElvisIsComing

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Will it Always Be

I’ve said before that I think I’ll always consider myself fertility challenged and that until I reach the elusive Other Side, I could end up right back in the Trenches with all those others TTC.

I’d like to think that, all being well with Elvis, if I ever wanted a second I’d never liken that inevitable heartache with the 3 years I suffered and what those still TTC their first go through. They’re sure to be similar, both wanting something far outside of your reach, but they’re also world’s apart.

With a little over 2 weeks until my EDD it’s still all so uncertain. I could still lose everything and have my desperate run for life be shot down at the final hurdle. I honestly thought things would get better, that I’d stop feeling like this when I got pregnant because I was/am lucky enough to have conceived with assistance. Naively I knew that I’d never stop feeling infertile but I hoped it’d feel better.

It doesn’t feel better.

Despite feeling a 37 week Elvis kicking me I still feel like crap when someone else gets pregnant, when someone else is lucky enough to skip over all the pain and heartache I went through. I don’t hate them, not like I used to, but I still can’t deal with them.

Will it always be like this? Or will Elvis heal it all? How can I stop all of this coming between me, my family and my friends?

~ Persephone M

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Baby Showers: Gifts

Baby Showers… Hmmm….

I decided quite early on that I did want a baby shower. Not for the gifts. Not for any other reason than to celebrate my incredible journey and how it’s almost complete.

I’ve only been to one other baby shower and I truly cannot remember what I bought for my friend, but I do remember having brunch in a restaurant and playing a few, non-traumatic games. There were no smelling nappies or eating chocolate spread from them. There were no “drinking games” involving baby bottles (although that is something hubby and I have discussed). It was simply a meal, a few quizes and handing over gifts.

For my baby shower, I didn’t want to be bombarded with presents that do tend (from reports) to be filled with the same things. You know 101 0-3 month babygros might be really thoughtful, but kind of impractical. So I asked guests, if they wanted to, bring vouchers as there are a few little things left on my “to buy” list. I did get a few little things though and I love them (a sleeping bag (not newborn!), baby wipes, nappy bags (I now have 400 which sounds like such a lot!) and other disposably things. I haven’t yet bought any “toys” other than a cot mobile, and one gift included some bath-time toys (I love bath-time playing!) and another a rattle gift set.

So I was very pleased that I didn’t end up with 101 babygros and that I got some useful and cute little things, but I did discover the night before that I’d missed out on a real trick.

I read an article comparing Jenna Bush Hager’s baby shower with the girl from the Saturdays and I instantly loved JBH’s idea: bring your favourite baby-book as a gift.

I wish I’d thought of it or seen that earlier because I would have loved for my nearest and dearest to each provide me with their favourite children’s book. It’d just be amazing. Maybe, if my post-birth baby-adled brain remembers, I’ll request that all first birthday presents be favourite books. Just today, my maternity cover brought me in her children’s nursery rhyme book and a Winnie the Pooh bedtime story musical book. I love books!

~ Persephone M

Links:

http://www.everydayfamily.com/blog/jenna-bush-hager-has-an-interesting-baby-shower-theme/

For up to the minute info: https://twitter.com/EliseM314 #ElvisIsComing

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19 days to go, but more excitingly

Whilst I now have only 19 days left until my EDD (which obviously can be completely wrong), I 100% definitely have less than 2 hours of work left to go!

I woke up this morning aching all over – for the past week at least I have awoken with shoulders and arms aching, my legs being on the verge of numb and a very slight sore throat – but after a short while I declared “I never have to use my alarm again”.

It’s not actually that accurate, because I’m sure there will be reasons why I do need an alarm in my life, but for the foreseeable future I don’t. Not until Elvis arrives and he becomes my alarm clock, going off every 2 hours.

Poor hubby sat there and asked how he was supposed to wake up for work without my alarm and I told him that he could set his own alarm clock. He didn’t seem too happy.

Oh, well.

As long as I get two days next week to relax, watch tele, get up when I feel like it and go swimming during the day, then I’ll be happy and Elvis can come. Just two days, that’s all.

Knowing my luck, Elvis will be really well and truly late and I’ll get weeks of sitting at home, cleaning the same thing over and over and swimming at more peaceful times.

All I know right now is that I need to stop working. I wake up every 2-3 hours (so only really three times maximum overnight) to go to the toilet, but by the morning I ache from how I’ve slept. I’m annoyed with all trousers and would rather sit around half naked or wearing a blanket as a skirt/dress (not really appropriate for work). And my house is a mess because after work and swimming, I just want to sleep.

I need to be able to sleep at any time I want – especially after falling asleep at my desk one day last week! – and only worrying about the time I want to go swimming in.

Quite selfishly, I also want to actually post things on this blog and watch all the stuff on my Tivo. The question is, whilst my plans for maternity pre-Elvis are simple: watch Tivo, clean, sleep, blog; will Elvis scuppper them by coming early? Or will he drive me crazy by making me wait?

And is The Other Side, really only 19 days (+/-14) away!

~ Persephone M

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28 Days to Go… If I can Count

I’m incredibly tired today so not 100% sure I can count, but I know that my EDD is 4 weeks to day, which I guess is 28 days, or 27 depending on how you count.

Whatever, I guess, it doesn’t really matter seeing as it can be plus or minus 2 weeks. Hell, it can be way less than minus two weeks.

I barely got any sleep last night. I think Elvis (or at least the bump) grew right before bedtime and it made it all so awkward and uncomfortable. I now feel utterly exhausted. Was planning on going swimming again tonight, but not if I’m this tired.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or a random conversation I had yesterday, but I seem to keep having random moments of panic and fear today.

The first few months of pregnancy were horrible for me. I was convinced that after 3 years of trying and then paying to get pregnant, my pregnancy would not last. Lots of people say this is normal and changes after you see the heartbeat.

Saw that at 7 weeks. Nope.

Or it gets better after you see the baby at a scan and see it look like an actual baby.

Nope.

I stopped panicking and worrying, fearing the worst, when Elvis started moving so much. For someone who used to hate all pregnant bellies (they looked weird and moved!), I’ve fallen in love with mine and can happily sit there mesmerised watching bits poke out and ripples across the top.

Until today when I do keep worrying that I haven’t felt him move for a while. Except I don’t often feel him moving all day long.

And I have felt him move, just not as much as he was doing during the night (probably did not help the sleeping thing). I’m just starting to get the fear that things can still go wrong and as these 2, 4 or 6 weeks start winding down the fear could simply grow and grow (alongside him!)

As if on cue, a few kicks and ripples from Elvis and this post is mostly irrelevant!

~ A very tired Persephone M x

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