Persephone: Parent

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Is It Any Different?

on April 30, 2013

Apparently tonight is going to be my third night of difficulties going to sleep, but I’m not constantly itching and scratching. Neither am I hysterically crying so this is going to have to end up a better night.

Right?

I’ve always had random bouts of insomnia. The odd night here or there where I just cannot sleep. It doesn’t normally last longer than one night though. I guess pregnancy hormones are a completely different ball game.

I was just lying here, unable to sleep when it dawned on me how similar right now is to all those months I was trying to conceive.

For three years, every 26-27 days my head would start going crazy. I never figured out if it was the hormones already dropping or if it was the anticipation and hope. But every month I would hope and wait, hope a little bit more and it never worked.

I used to think that I was naive and stupid. Every month that’s what I’d tell myself afterwards. Because for those few days leading up to 28/29 (which would become day 1) I became an expert in ignoring my own body.

I would be able to ignore the obvious mood change that would otherwise be screaming period! I would be able to ignore how my breasts hurt or any twinges of period pain. I would be naive and stupid enough to convince myself that they were also signs of pregnancy not failure.

After all those months I became quite good at lying to myself month after month which only ever hurt me more. Deep down I guess that I always knew.

Until the month we did the IUI. It wasn’t our final hope but there was still pressure. That month I had no breakdown. I had no usual signs and yet I still kept telling myself that it couldn’t have worked. I was still trying to lie to myself.

I can remember taking the pregnancy test as my husband showered and I peaked at it before he was ready. I peaked because I knew. Just as, deep down, I’d always known the truth no matter how hard I lied to myself every single month I failed, I knew the IUI had worked.

Now all those hopes and anticipations are the exact opposite.

I’ve read all the first signs of labour and know some of what I should be looking out for so now I keep hoping for them. I keep anticipating them. So perhaps the monthly breakdown of my mental state was more linked to my hopes and anticipations because maybe that’s what’s happening again now.

The hope and anticipation of starting labour, but it not starting yet is causing my tearful breakdowns and down moods.

What truly made me think of all this was when it dawned on me. Where I spent 3 years hoping and praying, ignoring the first twinges of period pain now, as an early sign, I keep hoping and praying for “period pain”.

Of course I’m also hoping that with this revelation my mind calms down and allows me to sleep!

~ Persephone M
#ElvisIsComing

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