Persephone: Parent

A fine site


on May 8, 2013

Today I’m wearing a t-shirt that says “It started with a kiss” but, of course it didn’t. It started with tablets, needles, doctors and catheters. But I always assumed that the moment I got pregnant I’d “get over” all my TTC “problems”.

That never happened though and I thought I was alone in that because I had yet to find blogs where someone’s TTC journey had ended in success. Until my due date of all days!

I’m not the only person who struggles with feeling normal through a pregnancy that did not start “normally”.

Scrambled Eggs

I started Hypnobabies this week. The 30 minute guided meditations are making me increasingly aware of how I am failing to connect with this baby. The cd’s ask you to think about your baby, connect with your baby, imagine holding your baby and so on. Hard as I try, I just can’t connect like this and am really struggling to shake the feeling of failure.

I did not make this baby. I did not put this baby inside of me. I did not administer the medications that kept the baby thriving for the first 12 weeks. On ultrasound this baby does not resemble me in the least – it looks like my husband. This baby has hair (I did not). This baby has my husband’s legs, his nose, his face shape, his mouth. This baby was paid for by someone else (my in-laws who now jokingly refer to themselves as the “investors”). This…

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2 responses to “Disconnected

  1. morasmum says:

    There is no “normal” way to feel during pregnancy. The idea of pregnant women looking everything through pink coloured glasses and loving everything baby-related is a media simplification, just like the “OMG my water broke, let’s go to the hospital to push right now” message from the movies, or the “ALL women should look like a Cosmo front cover girl, you are lazy if you don’t”.

    Having a baby is pretty similar to an arranged marriage in the sense that you two are stuck together, none of you had a say in the “selection”, and it takes some time to build up a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel like your baby “gets” you and kicks your tummy when you say “kick honey!”, that is not the norm. The same goes if your heart does not flip with joy every time little elvis sticks his foot under your ribcage. Your body goes through a lot during those 9 months and all those ups and downs in feelings and emotions are perfectly normal, and i should say that this is without adding the “trauma” of assisted fertility of plain troubled TTC.

    You are not alone in your feelings, like I, many of your readers understand what you are going through and are grateful that you put our feelings into words, this helps to deal with our own issues. The one thing I would say is that even though you have to go through all that on your journey, let go of it once elvis gets home, breathe and enjoy. Life is too short.

    Happy EDD day! Let the countdown begin!!!!

    🙂 Hang in there, almost over!!!

    • Persephone says:

      I think it’s all just dawning on me how many people have “imposed” their beliefs on me and my pregnancy over the past 9months. And I’ve done nothing but get annoyed. Not anymore!

      Still waiting… 🙂

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