Persephone: Parent

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Excitement/Happy?

on May 9, 2013

I’ve been chatting with a fellow mum to be on twitter about being, or not, excited about being pregnant and it got me thinking about when exactly I’ve been excited about my pregnancy.

I remember being nervous wondering if there would be space for me on August’s treatment schedule. I remember blindly trying to believe that hormonal intervention made my period 2 days late rather than hoping it had worked. I remember being nervous and trying to be emotionless as the test went positive.

I remember the nerves waiting for the 7 week scan. I remember the relief and tears as I saw my 7 week old baby with comfortable egg sac and no fears regarding miscarriage. I openly wept in a hospital corridor in pure joy and relief that not only was it not ectopic but my ovaries were not going to lead to needing a termination.

I remember the nerves continuing, not as bad but they did. I remember all the niggles and pains that didn’t go until well over 20 weeks. I remember not feeling comfortable until everyone knew which was 20+ weeks.

But I don’t remember ever really proudly showing off scan pictures. I don’t ever really remember excitedly telling people that it had finally worked, that I was finally pregnant.

I do remember (and still do) gazing at my Alien like moving belly in the bath or on the sofa, talking to him as he still kicks and wriggles. Sometimes I tell him off for hurting me or playing with my hips (it feels weird). Those are the moments I smile in happiness at being pregnant, moments when I know it’s all real, when I know he’s there, but even then it’s not really excitement.

Over the past week my excitement or happiness has been decreasing again. Either through nerves or hormonal shifts, but it is still there buried as deep as it probably always has been.

Everyone experiences pregnancy differently and either because I’m cautious or because it took so much to get here, I don’t want to risk showing my excitement and happiness to anyone other than my husband really.

I publicly announced my pregnancy after 12 weeks and one friend barely even congratulated me, her partner was downright insensitive to me. A few months later at only 6 weeks, she announced her pregnancy to me and honestly expected me to react better than I did. Why should I be more excited for her than she was for me?

I’ll be excited when he’s in my arms. Not because I fear it’ll never happen. Not because the pregnancy’s making me feel like crap. Just… because. And no pregnant woman, or their expectant partner, should be made to feel bad.

Why do people insist on putting such demands on pregnancies? From personal levels of excitement to size of bumps (see earlier post), what’s it got to do with anyone else?

~ Persephone M

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6 responses to “Excitement/Happy?

  1. morasmum says:

    I feel like I am stalking you … šŸ™‚

    I like your post for many reasons, but mainly because as a non-pregnant TTCer I deal on a daily basis with a wide range of emotions when I see a baby, baby clothes or anything bump related, I don’t feel envy or get angry a other pregnant women, I wish I was one of them! but I do read a lot of blogs and forum posts in where the authors sometimes express the ” why you and not me? I deserve it more..” underlying message.

    It is not fair that you are made to feel bad because of your bump, it is unfair that those demands you mention are put on you, but I see now that all of those have nothing to do with you YOU, it is about the others and their issues and how they are incapable to look outside their own world.

    This makes even more unfair to you, because you did nothing wrong, you struggled just like many, and you got pregnant first, but because all of this then you are the target of the resentment. My point is that in many cases it tends to be all “ME ME ME” : let’s all feel sorry because I can’t conceive, but when I conceive then let’s all be happy and talk about “ME ME ME”.

    So my point is: “blessed them and off with them, life is too short and you have you and elvis to worry about” . The negative vibes are temporary and everything is forgotten after them getting their bumps, so just keep the negatives away until they become positive and ready to go on with life.

    Countdown on!!!!!

    Time to start “talking” to elvis about packing and clearing out the “hotel room” šŸ™‚

    • Persephone says:

      Stalk away! I love your comments šŸ™‚

      I’m envious of your “wishing you were one of them”. I’m still kind of in the “why you” despite having my own “bump”!

      I have definitely come to realise (only over the past week or so) that it is other people and I should have spoken up earlier, if I’d have known!

      He’s still happy in there, kicking away. There’s no shifting him. šŸ™‚

  2. Sacha Black says:

    OMG, I am so glad of this post, it rings true for me for so many reasons. I don’t get excited at the best of times and I feel pressured to show excitement for the sake of others they have an expectation that I should be this or that. And I’m like just leave me be, I feel like shit, I’m nervous to get to 12 weeks and even then I won’t stop worrying so just leave me be. Also I am still trying to process all the fertility issues and what it all means to me, you know? It had such a devastating effect on me mentally. It takes time to heal and be able to be excited.

    People make me feel like a freak, but I’m not its just how I feel. Thanks for writing this šŸ™‚

    • Persephone says:

      It most certainly takes time to heal. I was honestly naive enough to think that “bam!”, the moment I got pregnant I’d “recover”, I’d stop feeling resentment. It didn’t happen. No matter how long someone was TTC before hand, they don’t get over everything they went through, everything they felt, how their brain became wired just because they got pregnant. I still hope that once I hold Elvis, I’ll start recovering, but I’m not sure if that’s the case.

      I still delete people on social media just because they’re pregnant. I still resent people who get pregnant without intervention, even alongside happiness for them. It is easier, but I’m still not normal šŸ™‚

      I was nervous until I was huge with Elvis and he felt really real, but now nervous that I still won’t get to hold him!

      Congratulations on being pregnant, btw šŸ™‚ x

      • Sacha Black says:

        Exactly!! Resentment is a good word to describe the feelings. The worst thing is I end up feeling bad for feeling this way.

        I might be pregnant but I definitely haven’t recovered not yet. And there is some major worries over getting through the next 7 days. Till I’m all clear.

        I also don’t think it feels real yet, I am hoping it will when I get bigger! šŸ™‚

        Thanks for the congrats. Same to u xx

      • Persephone says:

        As long as the resentment isn’t shown to those you actually care about, which doesn’t stop you feeling bad, no. I feel terrible that, as long as they’re healthy, I don’t want to know a thing about my friend and her newborn. Not until I have Elvis!

        To me it felt real when I and my hubby could see my belly moving. It couldn’t all be in my head if others could see it.

        Fingers crossed for your week; I’m hoping Elvis will be born by then!

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