Persephone: Parent

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Nighttime Nightmares

on May 28, 2013

I’m pretty sure that it’s now technically Tuesday but still officially Monday night. Either way, Elvis is still less than a week old. And nighttimes have been the worst.

For the past two nights, settling him has been impossible. Even when we were still in the hospital, Elvis decided he didn’t want to settle. He’s spent one night on his daddy’s chest other than feeding because he would not settle and another night, I spent half of it on the sofa waiting for him to need to feed.

We wondered if it was all my dinner getting to him so late on in the day, so today we changed my meals around to see if the nighttime problems are due to all my energy beans passing to him.

The problem with nighttimes are that everything changes. I can be, at 5am, completely drained having had no sleep and being at the end of my tether, Elvis crying for more feeding despite having done nothing else since midnight, me crying at the sound of his cry, but then the clock turns 0600 and it isn’t just the outside world that seems brighter. Suddenly my lack of sleep means nothing and I have a renewed energy. The crying is no longer so bad and I’m no longer at the end of my tether about to jump off a tightrope just so that everything can be over.

And this remains with me all day, despite barely catching up on sleep until the lights begin to darken outside once more. Because nighttimes truly have been a nightmare where my irrational nighttime mind would want nothing better than to run away and give up. Because that’s what I do.

So far, and it is only half past one so I know there’s a long way to go, I haven’t burst into tears, haven’t declared that, like everything else I simply cannot do this, and I’ve had an hour’s nighttime sleep in bed with hubby (although I woke up severely panicked as to where Elvis was – he’d actually settled in his moses basket.) For over an hour.

Now to hoping he goes back into his basket for another hour.

~ Persephone M

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