Persephone: Parent

A fine site

The Sun is Out But Not Quite In

on June 1, 2013

He didn’t go down straight away after this morning’s early feed, but he did after a bit. Unfortunately it was after I joined the ranks of bad mother and actually shouted at him to shut up. Unsurprisingly it didn’t work.

I fed him again. Put him down and went to cry hysterically at my hubby because I really can’t do this. By the time he’d calmed me, Elvis was asleep and I crawled into bed with the next scheduled feed before 8. I awoke before the alloted time as he still slept soundly and I decided to invoke the 4hour gap – the once a day golden ticket.

That I didn’t need because Elvis wanted feeding sooner, which I really don’t mind.  I prefer him to choose when he’s hungry rather than be force fed every three hours.

It’s the hourly feeding I can’t deal with.

Take today since that 8am-ish feed. He has done nothing but feed or be wide awake. It’s now 2pm and after the 8am he fed at 9 and 1030. The big gap and hour’s rest for me only came about as hubby took Elvis to the shops. So for those 4 hours this morning, when was I supposed to rest?

New mothers should sleep when the newborn does. 5 hours after we got up he’s only been asleep for 1hour when daddy took him out. Which is fine when daddy’s here, but his paternity leave’s over now. So what happens then?

Everyone keeps telling me that I’m doing really well, that I’m doing the right thing, that it’s what’s best for both of us and all the bonding crap.

Yeah, bonding crap! Because whilst I watch hubby be amazing with his son, smiling, laughing and loving him in a way I never would have imagined, I dread almost every noise when he’s asleep. I lie there unable to sleep because I know there’s no point as he’ll wake up. I’m envious of the fun and love there is between my two boys. I’m too tired to feel any of that.

I’m tired enough to feel only resentment and surely that isn’t being amazing or doing the right thing by my son.

And after tomorrow I’m on my own.

~ Persephone M


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