Persephone: Parent

A fine site

Yesterday, I Fell In Love

on June 14, 2013

I’m probably about to bring great, humungous shame on myself as a parent, but yesterday I fell in love with my son.

Yesterday, I felt it for the first time.

Sure I’ve thought he was cute and I’ve known how much he completely and totally depends on me. But I’d felt necessity until yesterday.

I had a comment on a blog earlier this week about how honest my posts are, which they are except for a few things that I leave out, refusing to admit them. It’s a refusal out of fear and shame.

It is by far a secret that I spent the first two weeks finding everything incredibly difficult. On Sunday night I finally admitted to hubby how difficult and how I felt. I admitted that, at that time, I was only doing everything I was for my husband. I wasn’t feeding Elvis because Elvis needed me to, I was doing it because hubby wanted me to. I wasn’t forcing myself to stay at home with my family for Elvis’ sake, it was because, if I left I’d lose my husband and I don’t want that.

At that point I was still happy to sleep on the sofa abandoning my son in the room with his daddy who was fast asleep and none the wiser. I was happy for daddy to take Elvis out for a few hours and leave me in peace – I wouldn’t know where either of them were. When I was with him I was only making sure that he was safe – room temperature, layers of clothing, etc – because we both suffered so much to get Elvis, not because I didn’t want to lose him.

Until yesterday when I looked down at him at some point and felt so scared of losing him because I love him. So when he spent the night sounding really mucousy to the point that I couldn’t sleep out of worry, I took him downstairs to where it was quieter so I could sleep and hear him. Last week I’d have left him with daddy out of annoyance.

Now there are no thoughts of me walking out, not from fear of losing my hubby but because I could never do that to Elvis. Now I no longer view Elvis as a leech, draining all my life from me. He’s my child and I love him.

It just took over 3 weeks for it to happen!

~ Persephone M

2 responses to “Yesterday, I Fell In Love

  1. tazdream says:

    Yahoo! U found the light at the end of the tunnel! Sooooooo happy for u xoxo 🙂

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