Persephone: Parent

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Alone With Elvis

on July 7, 2013

I think Alone used to be a main tag out theme of poetry on what was my main blog; in some ways it was/is one of my greatest fears. Oddly as an only child who is still able to thoroughly entertain myself alone, I still hate feeling alone. Even now I would rather spend my days on my own with Elvis with some item of technology – computer, pad or TV. At the most I currently only really like sharing my time with my mother. Perhaps because she understands, perhaps because she  gives me space and aid.

I can spend hours at my mum’s and feel a bit human. She can chat away to her grandson and I can eat in peace, drink a hot cup of tea, go to the loo, have a lie down, hold an adult conversation with her or her friends. This is all because she only has those hours I visit.

The time I actually feel alone the most is in the evening or weekends when it’s just me, my husband and my son.

Somehow my husband provides me less comfort than my mum. I feel alone the most then not because husband runs off with Elvis for father/son bonding; in those rare moments when the two of them play, I don’t feel left out or alone. I feel alone when my husband is home, but he is unable to help with the feeding. Because only I can.

I feel alone when it’s time for a dark-time feeding and I sit there alone in the dark, pad in hand, son sleep-feeding with hubby downstairs trying to catch up on his sleep.

I feel alone when Elvis needs his nappy changing or has his bowel discomfort in the dark as hubby snores away downstairs.

I feel alone when I wake up, no matter the reason, in a bed with just my son.

I feel alone as I jiggle or sway, sing random songs to try and soothe my son as my husband works from home.

I feel alone as I hear my son continue to scream with daddy because he’ll only settle for mummy.

I feel alone as I try and sleep on a Saturday night with my son asleep downstairs as hubby stays up for the boxing and gives me a break.

I feel more alone when I have my family around me.

I don’t feel alone when I am alone, alone with Elvis because I’m part of a package for a while.

And why am I alone when my husband’s here? Because he’s unable to catch up on his missing sleep like I do. Because he wakes up with me during the dark hours. Because he needs an element of rest before his ten hour workday begins. And because, at the moment, I can manage Elvis better on my own than with him helping or than he can. And that’s when I feel the most alone – he’s here, but it’s still all on me.

Because I’m the mum and it’s all on me.  For now.

~ Persephone M

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6 responses to “Alone With Elvis

  1. Valerie says:

    It definitely won’t be just you for too much longer! As soon as he starts more solids, and starts crawling, etc. you will be “needed” the way you are now, less and less. *Hugs* to you!

    • Persephone says:

      Is it bad parenting to want those times to hurry up?

      • Valerie says:

        Not at all!! xoxo
        Mothering a newborn takes EVERYTHING from you (physically, emotionally and mentally), so it’s no wonder you feel how you do. I was completely spent with Samuel as a little one! I was a wreck most of the time, lol! My older kids helping as much as they did, made life lots easier, though.

      • Persephone says:

        I keep feeling like I’m doing certain things wrong and I can’t always stop the crying. I want to fast forward to when I can have faith in myself!

      • Valerie says:

        Aww, as long as you are providing for his needs, you aren’t doing anything “wrong”! We all do things differently, and that’s a fact.
        Have you gotten into a mommies online support group? I HIGHLY recommend being part of a group of women with the same-age babies. It seriously helped me to be able to laugh and cry with others experiencing the same stuff as me (in real time), and not just talking with women who HAD been through it. Kwim?
        This is my favorite: http://www.babywhispererforums.com/index.php Once you sign up, you will see all the additional boards. The women are on ALL day and people comment quickly. I loved it.
        P.S. I apologize if I’ve already given you this link…I can’t remember, but it was such a help to me that I always recommend it!

      • Persephone says:

        I worry I’m not stimulating him sometimes or helping him grow other than by feeding him. Or that I’m stimulating him ‘wrong’. I have requested to join that group 🙂

        I have attended a few in person groups, but all of them had babies a good few months older than Elvis. I also found a few of them a bit cliquey.

        Thank you 🙂

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