Persephone: Parent

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Changing Into the Same

on July 14, 2013

It’s days like today that I realise how different things are from just 4 weeks ago.

And how they’re still the same.

Some of these things, the things that have changed, give me hope. Hope that if the past month is different enough to the first, if things have got better in just four tiny weeks then the next four will be different again, better than the first eight.

Some of the things, those that are the same as four weeks ago is very slightly depressing. I’m not stupid; I understand that parenthood comes with irreversible changes, but there are some things that haven’t changed and I worry they never will or it will take many more months.
Today Nanny held a family BBQ, with family from the wedding we went to 5 weeks ago. Technically, I’m comparing this weekend to that – we’re talking 5 weeks of changes or non-changes. First of all I can’t even remember how frequently Elvis was feeding that weekend. I do remember that it felt as hot as now in our bedroom, that the nipple pain was excruciating, I would panic if it got anywhere near three hours and he hadn’t fed, that I sleepwalked through the entire weekend and that I was almost a spare part. My husband spent all day at the wedding with Elvis whenever the boy wasn’t feeding. Back then I could still sleep on my own, not that I remember sleeping much.

I do remember getting two baths in the two nights we were there. I’m not that clean anymore.

The only real significant moment for me was chatting to a cousin over the starter and main course regarding bringing up children. It was the only real moment I was in. I made it into one family photo, I missed all of the evening – first dance, cake etc. Whereas hubby and Elvis took part in all of the day!

Today’s BBQ was on yet another far too hot day so Elvis had to stay inside, for the most part so did I. He did feed a bit more frequently than normal, understandable given the heat. I felt quite awake at first, then I started flagging, had an hour’s nap, eventually woke up mentally and the started to drag physically. Again, I sleepwalked through parts of the day, in a room alone as others enjoyed the sun. There were still some zombie moments but not as many as five weeks ago.

Elvis was more awake and sociable, although one family member kept making him cry, he moves more than he did then. He smiles, he burbles, he tries to punch people! He’s taken a huge interest in the mirror on his play gym and I noticed today that he’s started opening his hand’s more.

I love all the changes, but the tired and needing naps element concerns me. When will that part of my life come back?

~ Persephone M

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