Persephone: Parent

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Counting Down

on July 18, 2013

I was really I’ll Tuesday night. Either a bug, food poisoning or heat stroke. For over three hours I couldn’t even keep water down. Despite my gro-egg saying it was 24 degrees, I was wrapped in my thick dressing gown and duvet. After I finished being sick I slept relatively well. Even if I did feel freezing in this heat wave. My bigger concern was Elvis staying hydrated if I couldn’t keep water down. At 5am we were both awake and I struggled to put him into his cot as I lay on the floor beside him. I was physically drained, there was no food fuelling me at all. Hubby took me to Nanny’s (who didn’t hear a thing and is now concerned she wouldn’t hear burglars) because we weren’t sure if I would keep my toast down.

Maybe it was because yesterday was so bad (no more vomiting, but I was still feverish) or maybe because I feel trapped in the house, but I just keep counting down 3 hourly blocks.
I feel like I’m just living from feed to feed, trying to fill the 2 to 2.5 hours in between. As I’m trapped in a hot house, but I feel better about this stifling heat than actually being out in the sun, I’m trying to fill that time without touching Elvis.

That sounds awful, doesn’t it?

It’s just too hot and I don’t like having the fan on him too much so I can’t hold him under the fan. Is this how it’s all supposed to feel? Parenthood?  Being trapped? Seeing your life in three hour windows? Counting them down and wishing them away?

I tried to spend the night at my mum’s last night, in case I was still ill and to give hubby a break as he’d been up trying to sort Elvis out as I lay there shivering, unable to hold him and try to soothe him back to sleep – the boy who doesn’t normally even wake up for feeds from 8pm until 5am. But as I sat there in my old double bed, I hated the thought of not being near being my husband. Because I’m bed-sharing with Elvis, hubby isn’t in the bed and in this heat he would certainly not be in bed with me, yet I missed him.

Elvis has no real idea of who anyone is or when he usually sees anyone so he has no idea that he sees daddy in the morning and then before bed unless it is the weekend, yet I hated the thought if Elvis and daddy not seeing each other because I was elsewhere. And all I could really keep thinking was that I need things to change. I hate this heat. I kind of hate sharing my bed with Elvis – I do it because he sleeps better and because I worry less, but it can’t go on forever. I’m not sure it can go on much longer at all. I hate this house, storing the pushchair in my living room and making the rug filthy, meaning I can’t put Elvis down on it, having such a small living room that I keep tripping over the 2 things we have out for Elvis.

I wanted all of this so much, I fought for this, I made all of these decisions, I made all these choices and I don’t think I’m happy with the results, as I countdown until another 3 hours are up.

~ Persephone M

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43 responses to “Counting Down

  1. Valerie says:

    You need to get out. You need a routine outside of the house. And you CAN’T right now, so you feel trapped. I would say that is absolutely normal for certain seasons. I get very antsy during the summer and winter because there are so many days we just have to stay in the house.
    Parenthood will not always feel like it feels today. I promise. xoxo

    • Persephone says:

      There feels like a new hurdle every week yet hubby swears it’s all getting better. I can’t wait for this heat to go. Still feel like I’m wishing away the days! Thank you though, it helps that I’m not a complete freak! X

  2. It is very normal to feel that way. I remember curling up on the couch and crying during my first few weeks as a mom. Every one was doting over my son, but I felt so broken like I should be the baby. My milk supply was low and I hated the cycle of nurse/pump/nurse/pump. I started imagining my pump saying, “moo cow moo cow” as it made its pumping noise. It does get better. The lack of sleep, distance from your husband, and feeling like a milk machine do not last forever. Keep your head up and know you are most definitely not alone.

    By the way, I totally feel for you on the heat. I had summer babies in Texas and our air broke when we were bringing out daughter home. I got to spend my first week postpartum sleeping in a recliner at my in-laws’ house.

    • Persephone says:

      My mattress at my mum’s was too soft and she offered her bed, I just wanted to be near my husband. I honestly never realised/thought that my relationship with my husband would change as much as it has. I see him max 2 hours a day, as does Elvis.

      I don’t think many people talk about the negatives of becoming a parent, other than the crying and the poop!

  3. Winding road says:

    There are so many days with a very young baby that make a new mom feel trapped. You are not alone and it’s ok to feel so awful and doubtful about it all. I remember those feelings well with my first child. It’s exhausting and for you to be sick on top of it all doesn’t help! I hope you feel better soon. Rest assured, this will pass, you will get better, you will get sleep again (in your bed with your hubby) and you will begin to enjoy the wonderful world of mothering even if it constantly presents new challenges. Hang in there, do the best you can and if you can, try to get out and maybe meet some moms you can get together with in the same boat. Good luck!

  4. Heather C says:

    Hang in there momma. It DOES get better. And it does NOT always feel like this. The trapped feeling is normal. It’s like a part identity crisis mixed with exhaustion and in your case illness and ridiculously high temps. Anyone in your situation would feel the same. Is there an indoor mall or store that you can go to to enjoy some AC for a couple hours a day?

    • Persephone says:

      I really don’t like the idea of taking him out in this heat, other than to my mum’s whose house is cooler! Wonder if I can convince hubby to move there with us!

  5. Dee says:

    Wanted to let you know you are so not alone in this. I remember all too well thinking I had made a big mistake having a baby (We tried for a while and I was so convinced I was ready) I was not – neither of us is. We have no idea how being a mom changes EVERYTHING. It changes every relationship and everything we knew. 3 years later I am still trying to find a “good” balance in life. I struggled so (still do). But I really wanted you to feel a little less alone in this – we are all trying so hard to keep our heads above water. We are all in the same sinking ship together. Its hard. VERY HARD. Sending you much love and you are right not alot of moms talk about how hard it is. I wish more moms were honest about this journey and tell it like it is. I had it hard and still have MANY moments of madness – but there is hope and there are times you will enjoy. You will laugh, have sex and go out for dates. You will also learn to enjoy it all. You will never be the same – so dont waste your time searching for the woman you once were – she will never come back. What you are now is 100 times better. You will only know and realise this one day when you are passing on the same advise to a lonely soul feeling like she is in the darkest most lonely time of her life. A time that is suppose to look like the commercials. Love you far away friend. Hang in there xoxox PS 3 years later my Savannah is still in bed with us – I put her crib up tight next to the bed with the one side dow to give us ALL more room and get the sleep we need to survive xoxoxox

  6. Ing says:

    You are definitely not alone! I stay in sunny Singapore, where it’s summer the whole year round. My first few months with my babies were spent trapped in the house, trapped in the heat. I got depressed too. But trust me, this too shall pass. It will get better! And if it’s possible, try to head out with baby. Or without. Leave baby with a caregiver while you head out for a breather. The heat outside could be worse than indoors, but a change of environment can sometimes lift one’s spirit. *hugs*

  7. twinmama27 says:

    I can only echo the other posters. This will get better. You are totally normal. And if you can get out, even if its to the air conditioned grocery store – go for it.

  8. lynnc2010 says:

    The first bit is hard, my third is almost 2 months old and there are days I seriously struggle with everything. I also suffer from Postpartum depression which doesn’t make anything better. When it’s stupid hot outside I take the kids to the mall though just for a change of scenery. It’ll make you feel a little better just to be around people and out of the house for a little bit. You’re definitely not alone in this! There are days (like today) when I am counting down to bedtime just so I can have 5 minutes without someone climbing on me or demanding my attention. Hugs to you Momma!

    • Persephone says:

      You have 3! I thought one at just over the 2 month mark was hard, but if you did it again and again 🙂 I wondered in the early weeks if I had ppd, don’t think I do, sorry to hear that you do. I count down to feeds as then I get 20 minutes with one hand free!

      Thank you for the hope 🙂

  9. What you are feeling is totally normal. It is so easy to feel trapped and alone in the beginning and it is even harder when you can’t leave the house easily. Hang in there momma, it does get better. *Hugs* hope the heat lets down for your sake.

  10. Hang in there! You are not alone. EVERY new mom goes through those exact feelings (I actually just had this exact same conversation last week with a cousin who has a 3 week old). No matter what everyone tells you about preparing for the change that a baby brings, there is no way you fully appreciate the difference until you actually go through it. And, as a new mom, you’re a slave to the changes in your body that you have no control over which just complicates the situation. I went through it too and I now have 3 kids and still have my random, overwhelming moments. Totally normal! Sometimes it helps to break away from the baby for even just a few minutes. Grab a cool drink at a nearby diner, take a cool bath, etc. It’s amazing how doing something tiny for yourself can rejuvenate you! Big hugs from Florida!

    • Persephone says:

      During my pregnancy I got a heat rash for the first time, got it again now so having a baby definitely changed me. I’m going to have some me time tomorrow. Thank you for the reassurance and hope 🙂

  11. Expat Mammy says:

    sounds like your feeling like every other mammy in the world feels at some point, plus your feeling poorly, look after you too. Although it’s hot try get some fresh air and a walk, sending hugs.xx

  12. Rose says:

    What you’re feeling is what almost every new mum goes through, but most are afraid to admit. I remember how horrendous and difficult life seemed after I gave birth and how it took me months to get back on my feet. Trust in that you WILL get through this – honestly! Being ill and having a new baby is just about one of the worst things ever to go through, but you will look back on this one day even though today it feels like it will never end. I really feel for you – I cried and cried day after day after I had both of my children and both times I thought I was abnormal and ungrateful and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t cope, but the truth is that waiting, that counting, that feeling trapped, that IS coping. One day it will blossom into something you will be surprised and relieved to feel as confidence and then the real journey starts 😉 Hang in there – you are doing a brilliant job X

    • Persephone says:

      I do sometimes feel ungrateful, like I wanted this so bad and that I’m not able to do it because I’m still abnormal. Thank you for reassuring me that I’m neither and that I’ll get there 🙂 x

  13. Young babies are so hard for everyone and this set of circumstances has intensified it for you at the moment. Don’t despair. It will get better and it does get easier. You are in an annoying situation right now but every day is a new day and things will change. Good, luck mamma. And keep posting if that helps.

  14. linbritt says:

    As someone else said, when you feel up to it, go to the shops. They are usually air conditioned, and you can find a cafe to sit for a few hours while bub sleeps. Take a book, grab a coffee ( or cold drink) and cool your system down.

    Take heart in knowing, that it will get easier, summer will pass. I’m sure it’s hard to see past the next feed, but take things one day at a time. Take whatever support you can and know you are not alone!

  15. Sending thoughts your way.

  16. This heat is a killer! I remember nearly three years back having the same struggle of being stuck. It’s incredibly frustrating as I too did not want to take him out in the heat so I tried to go for early morning walks after his breakfast and then come back within the hour as I was too scared to breastfeed in public. Once you feel better have a look for nearby child centres and babygroups where you could go to? It really made me feel better to be around other adults during the day even if it was only once a week. If you have a supermarket nearby try going out there later in the afternoon right when the heat drives you crazy to cool down a bit. At least the weekend is nearly here! I hope you manage to get out a bit with the temperatures going down for one day tomorrow! 🙂

    • Persephone says:

      I made it to a children’s centre this morning and the rest of the day at nanny’s. Thank goodness for today’s breeze! Thank you for stopping by 🙂 x

  17. Joyce says:

    Oh honey, I think sleep deprivation, illness, and major life changes are all conspiring to make you feel trapped at the moment. I recall when my son was a few weeks old, and we were heading into the evening hours, and everything seemed so bleak because I knew I was facing a night with no sleep. That stage is such a short time, but a sleepless night or days and days spent indoors for a new mother can feel like a lifetime, can’t they? I hope you feel better soon. This stage absolutely will pass.

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