Persephone: Parent

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Hard with a Capital H

Why is everything so much significantly Harder now?

Should it be this Hard?

Will it get easier?

Why is leaving the house Hard? Everything’s in the changing bag, E’s food is in me. Yet everything comes with an extra complication.

For my birthday I got a slow cooker to help me have decent meals as I still don’t have the time to cook. But I need a recipe book, which means shopping.

I admitted to my husband the other day that sometimes I regret all this. It’s true and yet it isn’t.

Sometimes I wonder why I wanted children. I wonder why I never just gave up. I wonder why all that struggling and pain didn’t make me stronger.

In about week 3 I wanted to go back to work to have some me time. Now, 6 weeks later I want a nanny to do all the hard stuff for me because I’m still a selfish spoilt child who expects everything to be handed to her.

I read someone’s blog the other day about a cot death and now I’m paranoid about co-sleeping again.

Someone even said to me the other day that I wanted all this as if I couldn’t complain about feeling like this.

I have no idea how people do this, people I thought I was stronger than.

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Mega Mummy Moment

I’m going to write this post as a two parter – the lead up and after-show of a Mega Mummy Moment.

Daddy has the day off to visit the dentist in an hour and the sun has finally gone, the breeze is actually kind of chilly! It’s lovely. So after what should be a feed at 2pm, I’m going swimming!

I am going to leave the house, leave my boy and go swimming. Alone. I am going to have a 15 minute walk there and back. Alone. I’m going to swim for 30 minutes. Alone. I’ll probably leave washing my hair until I get home, just so I’m not out too long. Just in case.

I haven’t been swimming since week 39, 12 weeks ago! I found it so relaxing whilst pregnant. I could manage 22-24 lengths in 30 minutes. My quick, painless recovery from my c-section is all down to swimming, I reckon.

I’m quite excited, fingers crossed nothing comes up!

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Hungry or Not

I’ve only really noticed this over the past few days and thought it was just because it was the weekend, but it’s happened today. I don’t know when E’s hungry.

I do over night. He gets squirmy, I wake up and feed him. 3-4 hours later repeat!

During the day it’s a different deal.

I don’t know!
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Breastfeeding: Two months in

There’s still no exact pattern, no certain routine, but there are trends 2 months in. I can’t even fully remember the beginning, except that I needed the light on and that I needed to stay awake during feeds. I do remember a number of evenings where E was attached all evening!

All I can say is check the earlier blogs because my rose tinted, sleep foggy glasses have blurred it all. I do want to note down how an average breastfeeding day goes now, partially for my own memory.
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Venturing Out

As it’s still the weekend and we all got a second lie in (well yesterday it was 7am when Elvis and I awoke, 8am for all of us today) I was quite pleased that it felt slightly cooler out and that we could all perhaps venture out to town and proper shops. Not just the food and second hand shops nearby.

I only wanted to go to try and find a few things for Elvis, but it needed to be proper baby shops.

And I found everything I wanted!
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Month Update: Month 2

Weight: 14lb 9

Bedtime: Elvis’ at 1930, mine around 2000! But we’re still bed-sharing with Daddy on the sofa!

Naps/Length: Hit and miss – he’s still just kinda always sleeping.

Number of feeds in 24hrs: approximately 8. He can manage 5 hours overnight without a feed.

Favourite toy/objects: Loves his playgym at Nanny’s. Oh, and his cot mobile can entertain him for a full 20 minutes whilst I get a quick rest on the bed!

Clothing age: Already in 3-6 month! Holy Hell!

Foot length: 8.8cm.

Milestones: Aiming with his hands and getting much, much better at tummy time and holding his head, although he could do both of these last month.

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Positive Post

I thought after my last few posts and a few good days (although I have been so tired today) that I would kinda do a sort of update of positive things. A lot of my posts have mentioned all of the problems I’ve encountered on the past 8 weeks. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned when those things have stopped or got better.

Nipple pain – I get occasional latch on pain, or when he’s being fussy, but the constant aches and pains are gone. I don’t use lanisoh all the time. I don’t always air dry. They have adapted.

Breast feeding at night – I basically don’t truly wake up. He stirs, I pop to the loo, rearrange the pillows, pick him up, latch, prop him and my arms with my legs, wait until he’s done. I put my head back and daydream or even doze. Whereas in the early days I needed to blog to stay awake, now blogging/twitter/Facebook wakes me up! I noticed this within the past week.

Bed sharing – I’m still doing it and I definitely will as long as this heat wave continues and as long as it makes it easier for nighttime feeding. I’m not scared of what people think of me for doing it, I’m no longer worried about the dangers because I’ve done my research – it doesn’t make me a bad or less capable parent. I have no idea how I’ll stop when I decide I need/want to.

Insomnia – I still get it for a few hours most nights. I just lie there calmly.

Daytime naps – I try to have one every other day but I can go a day, maybe two without any and be normal during the day.

Crying with exhaustion – yesterday I had no naps, Elvis fed for over an hour at bedtime and then it took me over an hour to go to sleep. Like Johnson’s baby shampoo, no tears! Oh and it was still boiling hot.

Dirty house – it’s by no means spotless but I can now keep on top of the washing up. I even cleaned the kitchen floor yesterday. Because Elvis can amuse himself for short periods.

Energy – I don’t need to snack through the night. I don’t eat as much junk food through the day and I’ve been preparing easy evening meals. Maybe this healthier element is why I’m coping better with the fewer hours of sleep.

I can’t think of anything else that was a huge problem over the past 8 weeks, I guess those rose tinted glasses are already coming in to effect. But in 8 weeks things have improved. I still don’t want a second child though!

~ Persephone M

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Happy Birthday Me! I Love You All.

I have been out and about all day – still hot, but lovely breeze – so can’t write a full on post, but I want to say a huge thank you to this fantastic online community.

Yesterday’s post scored new viewing highs for this blog, saw many new followers and became my highest commented post.

Truly, learning that this is not abnormal, the unspoken pains of newbie motherhood, the loneliness, the feeling trapped, that others have been there and that it isn’t just me, it means the world. It really does.

I’m not too good at talking, well I love talking – I rarely shut up – but I don’t like talking. I don’t trust my emotions, don’t trust myself not to cry. I don’t want my friends and family to think I’m weak, for them to feel sorry for me. Although I hide nothing from this blog and don’t hide it from my friends and family, I can ignore their sympathy online as it rarely occurs in person.

But to share my problems, my little/huge hiccups with this fantastic online community that is physically anonymous and to be told by survivors that I’m normal, that I can and will survive, it means the world. I love you all for helping me get through this.

I started this blog describing my journey of trying to conceive as like a war. First you’re in the trenches, praying and hoping to make it out. Then, the lucky ones make it onto no-man’s land, they get pregnant, where they hope to dodge every bullet and grenade coming their way to make it to the other side. Now this elusive other side is all they’ve wanted for years. They’ve suffered month after month of heartbreak and pain to get there, they have physically, emotionally and perhaps financially paid to get there. It’s supposed to be perfect, right? They’ve been preparing for it for years, right? They’re strong enough after the trenches, right?

There are still battles on the other side. Smaller ones. Daily. Hand to hand combat. Perhaps some Miles Matheson style sword fights. But you all made it, and show me it’s normal. I will fight every day. I will survive The Other Side. Thanks to you, reading this!

~ Persephone M

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Counting Down

I was really I’ll Tuesday night. Either a bug, food poisoning or heat stroke. For over three hours I couldn’t even keep water down. Despite my gro-egg saying it was 24 degrees, I was wrapped in my thick dressing gown and duvet. After I finished being sick I slept relatively well. Even if I did feel freezing in this heat wave. My bigger concern was Elvis staying hydrated if I couldn’t keep water down. At 5am we were both awake and I struggled to put him into his cot as I lay on the floor beside him. I was physically drained, there was no food fuelling me at all. Hubby took me to Nanny’s (who didn’t hear a thing and is now concerned she wouldn’t hear burglars) because we weren’t sure if I would keep my toast down.

Maybe it was because yesterday was so bad (no more vomiting, but I was still feverish) or maybe because I feel trapped in the house, but I just keep counting down 3 hourly blocks.
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Long Term Planning: Dilemma

I hate making decisions, yet I always find that everyone expects me to make them. Dinner is up to me. Where we go holiday is up to me. Where we’ll go for lunch is up to me. This applies to family and friends. It’s always up to me.

Maybe it’s because I’m good at making decisions. Maybe it’s because I’m the picky one. Maybe it’s because everyone else is more laid back than me. Maybe I’m recognised as a control freak.

Is that why I’ve found parenthood so difficult, I’ve lost all control?

The latest decision I’ve been given, well it feels like my whole future hinges on it.
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