Persephone: Parent

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Bottle Envy

on November 3, 2013

I actually slept last night. 5 or 6 solid hours, but even if they’d been in chunks it’d have been more than the 2 nights prior.

Part of my huge down mood for the past two weeks has been due to something I call bottle envy.

Is that a common term other mummy bloggers have heard of? Or used yourself?

Breastfeeding mummies, have you bottle envy?

Bottlefeeding mummies, have you booby envy?

I expressed milk for a few days last week to give to baby Elvis as a trial. If he took it from Daddy and we could gauge roughly how much, the plan was to leave E with Nanny one day so Daddy and I could go and see Thor 2. Partly because I haven’t yet missed an Avenger film and I don’t want the tie in with SHIELD to spoil me and partly because I’d like a date with my hubby.

E wouldn’t take my milk. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t take a bottle, he wouldn’t take my milk. I think it’d gone off because it smelt and tasted a bit yucky. In fact from my small sip, I wanted to vomit!

I could use formula, or leave him for 4-5 hours because without me around he usually seems fine! But that isn’t the point.

Recently E has started really hitting and kicking me during feeds. He pulls me as if my booby bits are made of elastic and he chews me. I’d already started to resent breastfeeding him.

He’s started waking up (wide awake) in the middle of the night and he either needs feeding/nursing to sleep or being held. Feeding is easier and quicker, but more painful and soul destroying and before a certain time (5am) hubby won’t do the holding. So I started resenting hubby!

Then my hopes of Thor 2 got dashed, well that’s my booby’s and breastfeeding’s fault.

I was basically resenting everything, including my precious, much longed for baby. Add that to no sleep which wasn’t because my son was waking me and I have been a wreck!

Yesterday, despite the extreme tiredness, I trekked across the city to a breastfeeding support group because the resentment was too much. I was going to give up. I was fed up with struggling. The lady I spoke to was absolutely lovely. She suggested we try sitting up – saddle hold – which seems to be working today. And she encouraged introducing solids as E seems ready.

Saddle hold seems to give my nosey boy more freedom without trying to pull me apart. He hasn’t chewed me so far, or punched and kicked. I’m not ready to stop breastfeeding yet.

But I do still have bottle envy. Bottle babies can have sleepovers with Nanny. Bottle babies parents can go on dates. Bottle babies can be fed anywhere (E is too curious to feed around others). Bottle babies mummies can have more than 2.5 hours off.

I know there are huge positives for boobie babies – ignoring his gymnastics, they can be fed anywhere – but I keep having mummies telling me that they enjoyed their night without baby, their evening out, their pain free boobies! And I am envious.

But I wouldn’t change it. I’ve made it 24 weeks tomorrow and, 24-23 weeks ago, I never thought I’d make it to 3 weeks! I’ve had my ups and downs. I’m sure there’ll be more.

But, with my bottle envy, I’ll continue having a booby baby – next goal 9 months!

~ P

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