Persephone: Parent

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The Second War

on February 18, 2014

http://scrambled-eggs.org/2014/02/03/one-2/

I read the above blog earlier and, aside from some huge differences, I’ve been having thoughts in the same train of thought.

Do I want to start trying for baby number 2?
Do I want to risk all of that pain and heartbreak again?
Do I want to become the person I hated?

Technically we as a couple have already made that decision. My periods returned about 5 months ago and I ignored all of the midwives and health visitors dirty looks when I said I didn’t want to use contraception. Honestly, they spoke to me like I was an idiot, as if I didn’t understand the implications of having unprotected sex.

I know that I’m not like most of you. Unprotected sex doesn’t actually get me pregnant and despite everyone’s belief that after one I’ll be cured (how do you cure unexplained infertility anyway?), 5 periods later and I’m still not like most of you.

I’ve started hearing lots of mummy friends discussing having a second. Things like we want a second, it’ll be a few years, we can’t keep everything for a second, when we want one we’ll have our second. I even had someone tell me that they got pregnant with their second when their first was 9 months, hurry up!

I assume they were joking. I assume that those who knew me pre-Elvis and have made comments assume that I no longer feel how I did.

Except I do. Each month it’s starting to get a bit harder, it’s starting to seem more real. It isn’t that I specifically want to get pregnant now, but the more periods I have, the greater proof that I’m still infertile, the greater proof that I’m still not like everyone else.

I’ve even wondered if I can take the meds whilst breastfeeding, as if I can use that as a temporary fix, a reason to not be able to have treatment and keep the pressure off me. Because I can feel myself being sucked back down.

I don’t want to be stuck in the trenches again, but I can feel a new war brewing.

~ P

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