Persephone: Parent

A fine site

The Greener Grass

on April 14, 2014

I have spent the past few days feeling conflicted and I think I’ve figured out why. I have wanted to desperately feel like me, to be just me in moments other than when I go swimming or shopping. I want to be more than just a mummy to Elvis and more than just a wife. I want to be a friend and a person.

And for this I feel guilty.

I went out with a friend tonight, in some ways it was the first time in almost a year that I have been a friend, that I have had a friend. And not only have I missed the feeling, have wanted the feeling, I have needed the feeling.

During my struggles and trying to conceive journey I can remember the multitude of people who were parents and living normal life. How dare they? I would think. How dare they have children, be it newborns or toddlers, and manage to go away for a weekend, or go clubbing until the early hours. How dare they have it all when I had nothing. I had no desire to drink and dance my problems away. I hid myself in visiting the world, but would have gladly given it all up to have a child.

Then I got him, but I still saw parents who had it all but I was breastfeeding and still couldn’t drink and dance all night, now for fun rather than a hiding place. Then I started to feel guilty about wanting that stuff.

Yep, all of that stuff that I would have given up along with my soul, well I want it back.

I don’t want to swap. I don’t want to go back in time. I don’t want to have my cake and eat it all. I just want to enjoy my cake.

I miss my friends. I miss being a friend. I miss having the odd ocassional night where I can both be and have friends. It makes me no less of a mother.

It makes my journey to here, this point, no less significant. Just because I would have given up me to become a mother does not mean I have to give up me to be a mother. For months I have tried to find a balance, I have struggled with my thoughts and my guilt. For months I have needed something more than mummies, babies, a husband, a son, swimming, ficticious worlds, blogging and shopping, I have needed a friend.

Just a friend.

Not a friend served up with a helping of baby on the side. Just. A. Friend.

Tonight I got it. I got the friend I needed. I got to be the friend I needed to be and I got to understand and move past my guilt.

I hereby promise to remain being me: the blogger, the mummy, the wife, the mummy friend, the writer, the dreamer and the independent guilt free friend.

~ P

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Baby in the Sunshine

British baby living in Dubai

Dallas Decoder

Between the Lines and Behind the Scenes of "Dallas"


Riding the wave that is life...wobbles and all

Snot On My Jumper

...and other tales of parenthood

Scarlett and Me

Fashion and beauty for mums and their babes by Faye Jacobs

Dear Mummy Blog

The travellings of Bella and her folks!

Motherhood - made up by me

My journey of motherhood of my daughter and how I make it all up as I go along

A new thing a day keeps the boredom away

My challenge for 2015: try something new every day for a whole year.

%d bloggers like this: