Persephone: Parent

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The Greener Grass

on April 14, 2014

I have spent the past few days feeling conflicted and I think I’ve figured out why. I have wanted to desperately feel like me, to be just me in moments other than when I go swimming or shopping. I want to be more than just a mummy to Elvis and more than just a wife. I want to be a friend and a person.

And for this I feel guilty.


I went out with a friend tonight, in some ways it was the first time in almost a year that I have been a friend, that I have had a friend. And not only have I missed the feeling, have wanted the feeling, I have needed the feeling.

During my struggles and trying to conceive journey I can remember the multitude of people who were parents and living normal life. How dare they? I would think. How dare they have children, be it newborns or toddlers, and manage to go away for a weekend, or go clubbing until the early hours. How dare they have it all when I had nothing. I had no desire to drink and dance my problems away. I hid myself in visiting the world, but would have gladly given it all up to have a child.

Then I got him, but I still saw parents who had it all but I was breastfeeding and still couldn’t drink and dance all night, now for fun rather than a hiding place. Then I started to feel guilty about wanting that stuff.

Yep, all of that stuff that I would have given up along with my soul, well I want it back.

I don’t want to swap. I don’t want to go back in time. I don’t want to have my cake and eat it all. I just want to enjoy my cake.

I miss my friends. I miss being a friend. I miss having the odd ocassional night where I can both be and have friends. It makes me no less of a mother.

It makes my journey to here, this point, no less significant. Just because I would have given up me to become a mother does not mean I have to give up me to be a mother. For months I have tried to find a balance, I have struggled with my thoughts and my guilt. For months I have needed something more than mummies, babies, a husband, a son, swimming, ficticious worlds, blogging and shopping, I have needed a friend.

Just a friend.

Not a friend served up with a helping of baby on the side. Just. A. Friend.

Tonight I got it. I got the friend I needed. I got to be the friend I needed to be and I got to understand and move past my guilt.

I hereby promise to remain being me: the blogger, the mummy, the wife, the mummy friend, the writer, the dreamer and the independent guilt free friend.

~ P

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