Persephone: Parent

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Trying to be Me

on July 12, 2014

Today was an absolute disaster. From me being so dumb that I waited for a train on the wrong platform after double checking, to the disaster that was London Film and Comic Con.

I don’t want to get in to what happened there. Some bad organisation from the organisers and from customers. Some very bad locations for a 2 plus hour queue (direct sun, no opportunity to sit or grab extra water without losing your place) which all meant I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do. But this post isn’t about that.

This post is about why I’m so affected by it not going to plan.


I didn’t have the best of starts when I became a parent. I found more help through my blog than I could ever have imagined, but found my friends and family generally very unsupportive. I told someone I trusted and looked up to that I wasn’t coping very well. They told me that becoming a parent was my choice, suck it up. I told another trusted friend that I wasnt coming to terms with my son’s birth (I still swear I only stayed because my husband would never have forgiven me, I didn’t care about my son). They told me that he was here, it’s all that mattered. I was dismissed at every corner.

I had friends hypocritically yelling me how to be with one breath and then telling me to be my own person with the next. I had family come to visit my son and then choose to sit outside sunbathing where it was far too hot for my newborn. I would live to say that it was only those first few months that I felt completely ignored by my family but it wasn’t.  Time and again I offer up things to do that include something for my son. Time and again they sit in a separate room or dismiss my plans or in plain truth not actually want to see me and my son. I spent Christmas day alone with a sleeping 7 month old who was all too confused, listening to all of my family enjoy themselves in the room next door. I spent family get togethers in a room alone with my son either because we were still mastering breastfeeding or due to the heat outside.  No one ever came to sit with me, to chat with me during those times. I’ve had friends and family simply fail to understand that my son doesn’t like something, like playparks, pubs or pushchairs because he wanted to crawl/walk and he wasn’t able to outside.

In 6 months time, I will be starting that newborn phase again, because, hooray, apparently I can make babies without doctors anymore, and it scares me. I barely survived the first time with such loving familial support. So the second with a 20 month in tow? I’m petrified.

It’ll be another 6-12 months of being booby tied to my baby, another year where I will have such severe limitations on being me for a moment, an hour, a day. I needed today. My last convention was 20 months ago and my next is probably in 18 months time. It’s just a day. Twelve hours. Time where I can forget routines and food, napping schedules, trying to keep a baby and/or toddler happy, the difficulties and lack of support. And it was a crap day.

Yeah, I got to be me, but it was a failure of a day. And now I have a 2 year wait for another. Who knew that one day, one thing could mean so much and hurt so much.

If you’re my family, even reading this you won’t care that it hurts. You won’t even try and support me or understand. My family are surprisingly good at ignoring things.

Just like I tried when Elvis was a newborn.

~ P

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5 responses to “Trying to be Me

  1. first off, congrats on baby two. I am guessing that it was a surprise baby and I know how hard it can be to wrap your head and heart around that. Especially when there are fears surrounding the new baby. If you ever need someone to talk to please email me (lynncollins10@gmail.com) and I would be more then happy to help in any way I can, even if it’s just a listening ear! *Hugs* to you sweetie!! You’re a fabulous mom and E and the new baby are lucky to have you!!

    • Persephone says:

      Thank you so much. I am so scared sometimes, fearing that I made mistakes over the past 13 months and worrying if I’ll do the same or feel the same this time and it’s like I waited a whole year to have one day and I never got it due bad luck.

      But, yes, complete surprise! And I am so happy and excited about it. The beginning is just going to be so tough!

      Thank you so much for your kindness and support, it truly means so much 🙂

  2. We all wait for trains in wrong platforms…aren’t we? That’s life with some wrong..some better and some worst decisions.
    Well congratulations mommy, I am sure you will make a wonderful mom all over again. And I don’t think a mother needs anybody’s assistance, she is strong enough for everything. Come on, it is time to be a super mommy again 🙂
    God bless you!

    • Persephone says:

      Oh, sometimes it scares me to have two that little, but everyone says that it gets better and then they become best friends!

      Thank you! I think I need to learn to ignore the unsupportive people and just forget them! X

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