Persephone: Parent

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A Collection of Thoughts

on July 20, 2014

This might be a weird post, designed to be a collection of posts that I can send out to the blogosphere all in one go. One day. Eventually. Maybe. Each blog will be separated by the date and time of writing, done as a quote to separate them.

First up: May 7th 2014

My period’s late. I just don’t know how late. My diary says that I had a period 9 weeks ago. I never marked down the next one, but we’re sure that there was a next one, so we think I’m a week late.

Hubby wants me to take a test. Two weeks ago, I had hyper crazy pre-menstrual symptoms, a week before I was due. I was convinced, hormonally, that I was about to start. The next morning I woke up and nothing. Two weeks later and there’s still nothing.

I tried to tell him that I don’t feel like I did before. He argued I had three follicles, three eggs, three times the pregnant hormones.

He still wants me to take a test.

I can’t even bring myself to buy one.

I’m about to go on holiday and my body used to be amazing at being regular as clockwork and then be late or early to spoil a holiday. I want to believe that’s what it is doing, because I cannot take a pregnancy test.

If I go and buy a test, that means that there’s a chance I’m pregnant, that means that I have hope, that I want to be pregnant and that all means that when it says negative, my heart will break. And where will that leave me next month? If I buy a test it makes it real. With reality comes pain.

It didn’t happen for three whole years, why would it happen now?

May 9th. Again

I bought the test.

Might do it tomorrow.

I bought it though when I had a conversation with a friend in my mind. The friend isn’t in my head, she was on holiday so I had a conversation with her in my head. In my head I told her that I was afraid. She says what of.

And that’s where I thought.

I’m afraid of testing and making it real. I’m afraid of wanting a pregnancy. I’m afraid of it hurting if this is just a hormone imbalance – blame it on the breastfeeding.

And it dawned on me. If, and I mean if I test, if it’s negative and if it hurts then I try and convince hubby to move up our see the doctor date of January 2017.

A negative result is not the end.

11th May.

I took the test yesterday.

For the second time ever, I took a pregnancy test and got a positive.

I don’t believe it.

For the first time ever I got pregnant through sex.

I honestly thought this blog post would be a collection of a few days of me wondering. I never thought it would be the chronicles of the beginning of a pregnancy.

We’ve only told 2 people so far. Everyone knew about Elvis from before I even ovulated, or the potential of him, anyway. So this one’s going to be a secret. This one’s going to be a surprise to everyone that we love, their gender will be a surprise, their exact conception and due date is a surprise!

I never thought this would happen to me. Honestly, sex does lead to pregnancy!

12th May 2014

well, today was my original due date for Elvis and I type this as he plays in the corner with his cookie jar shape sorter. I never imagined I’d be sitting watching my almost 1 year old whilst, apparently, pregnant. I never imagined it happening with Elvis being any age really!

With regards to this pregnancy, I’m as tired as I was at this point last time. It’s daunting, I guess. I can’t just nap whenever I need. And what about the morning nausea I had last time? It made me pretty much useless at work until I’d had my cheese and onion crisps and small bottle of lemonade. How can I indulge my pregnancy moments with Elvis?

And those thoughts lead into thoughts of Elvis having a sibling, doing the newborn thing again, which I hated last time, trying to still have rime for Elvis whilst also having time for a new one.

One big plus, I’ll essentially finish the first trimester before even returning from maternity leave!

I’ve become the cliché.

May 19th 2014

Two days until Elvis’ first birthday and I’m “still” pregnant. I don’t feel it at all. I still have no symptoms, or none of the ones I had with Elvis.

I keep worrying that it means there’s something wrong. Or that something will go wrong. I’m now about 6.5 weeks pregnant, I was about to have a scan at this point with Elvis. I’d have to pay to do it with this one, but can I wait until 12 weeks?

I have an odd appetite, either going hours without food, filling up too quick or being ravenous. I keep getting leg cramps in the night. But I’m on holiday and my diet’s altered.

Saturday 24th May

it’s Elvis’ birthday party today. I stopped breastfeeding him. I feel bloated. I’m probably about 7 weeks pregnant. I don’t feel quite as tired, or I can fight it.

I’m nauseous. All the time. Evening. Morning. How can I be a parent, running to and hugging the toilet bowl all of the time? And my pelvis is already starting to hurt, far earlier than last time!

At least I feel pregnant!

26th May

For the past two weeks, since I got the BFP, hubby has been on holiday and home with me and Elvis the whole time; tomorrow he returns to work and I’m really anxious about it.

What if I get too tired?

What if I get nauseous?

I’ve made a decision regarding Elvis and based on my pregnancy – I stopped breastfeeding. I needed time off. I haven’t always enjoyed BF Elvis and I didn’t want to keep going and resent it again too soon for the next baby. I’m aware that, or at least am afraid of, this might not be real or viable (nothing to say that, just fear) so I may have made a mistake, but I made it a year and I think we were done even without this pregnancy.

Thursday 29th May

I am so tired. Honestly. I could hibernate a few months. Truly, I don’t remember being this tired first time around. I’m having to find afternoon groups so it forces me to stay awake. I wish the weather were nicer so I could take Elvis to the park.

Yesterday, after 12 hours overnight, I had a 1.5 hour nap as Elvis took his morning one. I’m feeling a bit better today. At the moment.

I also got really horrible nausea yesterday whilst out shopping. Guess it’s time to stock up on cheese and onion crisps.

I’m finding the whole secrecy thing difficult. Last time pretty much everyone knew due to the treatment, asking me moments after I took the pregnancy test. This time 5 people know. I feel guilty when I’m at a baby group now, because I’m lying to those mums and some are noticing my mood’s different. But I promised myself, when pregnant with Elvis, that a second pregnancy would be more private. I promised.

May 30th

I had energy yesterday. I wasn’t completely exhausted all day. I had a serious bout of nausea, but fought it. Then I had insomnia last night (which might just be my normal) and I feel like I shouldn’t be functioning right now. But I am.

I keep having this serious feeling or urging to run away. How am I supposed to deal with two children so close in age? Can I afford nursery for both? Will I be able to work? Will I be able to take them both to swimming lessons?

My husband’s currently nursing a hangover, taking a half day from work and lying in bed. When’s my day off? Why can’t I run away?

12th June

Okay the nausea is mainly passed, touch wood, and I don’t feel fully exhausted all of the time. I’m also feeling lots better about being a mum, being in this position and having me time.

I have discovered over the past two days that I have pregnancy skin and I don’t mean that I’m glowing. Nope, I get dry, red, flaky awful skin. Last time I ended up unable to allow water to touch my face in the morning as my face over-reacted. Time to stop washing my face!

~ P

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