Persephone: Parent

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Guilty Love

on January 18, 2015

This is what I feel with regards to Robin, to the unborn baby that actually, I don’t necessarily even love. I don’t hate him/her. I just don’t know them. How am I supposed to love them?

Do some mums feel that kind of rush of love when they get that positive test? When they feel the first kick? Or when they first hold their child?

I don’t think I ever really did with Elvis. I felt immense relief when he was born – that an impossible journey was over. Finally.

At some point I fell in love with him of course!

But now I face the problem of the sibling.


Now, first of all, I’m technically an only child so I don’t understand siblings. It’s also why I don’t understand Grandparents. I have never had either relationship. I’ve never seen loads of people interact with their grandparent of older/younger siblings. The people that I know who do have siblings, well, they don’t necessarily seem close or anything. And it doesn’t help me try to figure out that relationship, that bond, for children.

People tell me it’ll give Elvis a playmate, a friend for life, someone who’ll be there for him always after Daddy and I are… gone.

Really?

Is that what siblings do?

Is that why I have Aunts/Uncles that my parents didn’t hear from in years? Is that why I have in laws who barely ever speak to my hubby? Both of these occur in the opposite direction, too; neither sibling is good at communication. With the invention of Facebook, there is probably more communication between family members but it’s in the form of likes and shares, of funnies and jokes.

None of the adult siblings I know are friendly to each other and of course, I never knew them when they were little so have no idea regarding children and that elusive sibling bond.

I always wanted a sibling. I wanted a playmate, rather than relying on myself, parents or cousins for entertainment. But would I want one now?

Meanwhile, I have a toddler who hates change, just like his Mum. Luckily he’s like Daddy and will adapt quickly. It only took 2 days for Elvis to come to terms with his new socks! And I’m about to change his whole entire world by giving him a sibling. And I hate the thought of him not coping, of him needing to adapt, of the changes a sibling will bring to him. And because I don’t understand siblings and because I haven’t fallen in love with my unborn Robin yet, it just makes me feel guilty that I’m doing this to Elvis.

I know that the moment Robin is born, in certain situations (I plan on breastfeeding) I will put Robin before Elvis. I know I will and I will work at making it equal, but a newborn has greater needs than a toddler. But I currently hate that thought because who the Hell is this baby taking attention away from my son?

I’ve heard people wonder how they can love a second as much as their first and, I guess, my guilt is linked to that. I don’t know this baby, but I do know how they’re going to change my world and if I’m scared about dealing with my nightmare newborn phase again, how is Elvis going to cope?

Or, I’ll freak out and panic whilst Daddy, Elvis and Robin just get on with everything! Am I just putting my fears onto a toddler who’ll adapt far easier than me in the end?

~ P

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2 responses to “Guilty Love

  1. Its scary. I was scared shitless when I found out I was having number 2 so soon after number 1, and I had a hell of a time adjusting. That’s the point my postpartum depression kicked in full force. But, I will say, for all those dark thoughts, you will see Elvis and Robin linked in a way you could never imagine. Especially as they get older. Having more then one baby is the best thing I could”ve done for all the kids! It’s more then a playmate… if their relationship is fostered right, it’s the knowledge of knowing that no matter what, someone out there is always going to be there to help you out. I have 4 brothers and we have the best relationship ever, my parents always preached that when they were gone we would only have each other. Hubs brothers on the other hand, never speak. His mother encouraged competition between her boys. Just some food for thought. best of luck!

    • Persephone says:

      Bless you, thank you. I have no idea what to expect from siblings, but I’ve seen lots of siblings I want to avoid! Haha. Meanwhile I’m still waiting for Robin! They’re going to be as late as Elvis! Your children sound fantastic, I hope for the same with mine 🙂 x

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