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CBT: Session Two – What Do I Like? #PND

on January 25, 2016

Still no closer to figuring out who I was, session two actually sent me plummeting into a deep giant cavern that was possibly worse than I’d felt before. The second session introduced the lethargy spiral and identifying whether activities you do are pleasurable, routine or necessary. I learnt about how to prioritise my demands.

Well, what the bloody use was that when I am a super organiser. Even now with kids, I organise and plan. That’s what I do. And I think I kinda excel at it. Ask me to deal with not having my routine and I might scream and cry. I might avoid doing something that could alter my routine as I don’t know how I’d cope. But, I didn’t need help with prioritising my demands. I know my daily demands and they never change. Then I read the list of possible pleasurable activities – visiting friends, reading, watching TV, playing with the children, going to the cinema, go swimming, go for a run… Well, I couldn’t see a single thing that I could find pleasure in.

I spent a week in such an awful rut. I tried to be sociable (it was nearly Christmas and Robin finally started going to bed better), but it made me feel worse. How on Earth could I try and figure out who I was if I didn’t know what I liked?

I did look at the lethargy spiral and adapted it kinda. I found myself getting bored in the afternoons when both, or one at a time, the children were napping. I’d get bored and sit down to try and play with them (which I find boring) and I’d get tired. I’d doze off on the floor as they both played around me. But Robin was sleeping through and I was getting solid sleep. And then I’d feel crappy because I’d had a nap on the floor when I was getting a full night’s sleep. I realised it was a form of the lethargy spiral and that I had to break it. So I started to find random things that I could do in the same room as them (in case Robin didn’t let me leave without screaming) and save certain little jobs for when I’d be at my most bored/vulnerable. This soon evolved into me using the demand prioritising to list random jobs that I do not need to do, but would like to do, just to keep me from going brain dead.

It worked and I now only nap when I’m tired, not when I’m bored. I also boredom-eat a lot less, too!

But I still felt incredibly low about not finding pleasure in things. All of things seemed far too complicated to try. Cinema? There’s no way that Robin would go to sleep quick enough and she still needed 30-45 minutes of nursing before sleeping for half of the night. Seeing friends without the children in tow? What, when Robin was finally asleep? Swimming and running? Again too dark and cold by the time she’s asleep. I felt so trapped by my daughter who fed three times during the day and once at night after I became stricter only just before my therapy started, that I felt as if everything else was just too difficult. What was the point in trying to enjoy something if I was going to return home to Hell? And TV had lost it’s glow because it’s the one thing that I could do with a baby that I really kind of resented.

The worst thing was, coincidentally in the same week as the second session, when I visited a friend for a Christmas get together. I had nothing to talk about. I heard all of these people talk about their lives and I felt like I had none. They had tales of getting drunk, of birthday parties, of gatherings, of outings, of films that I wanted to see but hadn’t bothered to watch yet. I had nothing. I’ve known the friend in question for over 15 years and I felt like I had no past to even discuss with her. Or like the past that we have is now over 6 years old. That isn’t fond memories, that’s ancient history. Then I started to think about the friend that I always feel inadequate to and the past that we share. And I felt so crap that I didn’t sleep all night long.

I walked in to the third session feeling so unbelievably crappy and I had no idea how to change it. How do I figure out what I enjoy? Or maybe I just needed to remember how to enjoy something.

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3 responses to “CBT: Session Two – What Do I Like? #PND

  1. […] ended so it’s up to me to remember to keep working at keeping me happy (still working on the blog entries). My attempts at my own social life have been knocked a bit but it is cold season and I […]

  2. […] I walked into the third session, I was still feeling so so down from the session before and then my failed attempt to socialise, that I wondered what the point was. But I wasn’t […]

  3. […] that note, I have been blogging about my 6 therapy sessions (first, second and third) and I do think that maybe my PND is more PNA and it is far more manageable. I got a […]

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