Persephone: Parent

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CBT: Session Three – Oh, There I am! #PND

As I walked into the third session, I was still feeling so so down from the session before and then my failed attempt to socialise, that I wondered what the point was. But I wasn’t about to lose my place on the course and I really loved the creche aspect! Honestly, possibly not the best reason, but I’m not going to lie – it was not hope and optimism that made me go on the third week. Haha! The third session was all about rumination (I tick all the boxes, so, yep, I ruminate. A lot) and introduced SMART Goals.

Well, somewhere in the week afterwards, I began to see some light.

I think it happened when I set my SMART Goal in front of everyone in the therapy session. Because that meant I had to stick to it. Right?

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Yummy Mummy: Another 0.2kg Lost

A slow week again, but with Robin’s first birthday we ate alot of cake and didn’t eat at home at all for one whole day. On top of that I always have a take away on the weekend. And I had extra lazy days because a cold knocked me out and I’ve just wanted to sleep! ūüėī

But 0.2 loss is better than nothing and waaaay better than a gain. Only 1.1kg from my first goal! Yay! Maybe 3 weeks if I stay really good.

In other Yummy news, I’m reading “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” and I am loving being back in Westeros. I’m still doing at least 3 nights of Dance Central aerobics and my PND therapy course has ended so it’s up to me to remember to keep working at keeping me happy (still working on the blog entries). My attempts at my own social life have been knocked a bit but it is cold season and I refused to let some let downs get me down.

I’ve finished decluttering the kitchen cupboards. I simply emptied one and sorted through it, ditching things that haven’t been used in ages, dishes without lids or multiples (who needs 3 ceramic trays?) And then moved on to the next. I do still have the stuck thought of I might use it one day which I can’t shake, but I’m making steps to make space.

I just spent this morning clearing through my clothes stored under the bed and although I do have a huge pile to donate to charity, I still have loads to put back under there. I am incredibly proud of my self, however, as I hate getting rid of perfectly good clothes. The problem is I do consider my body is in a state of flux. I am actively trying to lose weight and I’ve been pregnant for over half of the past 3 years, so just because I have loads of clothes that don’t fit, it does not mean that they won’t again. I’ve read some articles on declutttering and they state that you should get rid of things that don’t fit, if you ever lose the weight, you’ll want to buy new. Well, I don’t think that applies to me quite yet. These articles are quite ruthless on what you should ditch and whilst I’m nowhere near their level, I’m ditching stuff I wouldn’t have before. If part of my PND is feeling like I lost myself then why would I get rid of the clothes that I associate with the me that I was, the me that I assume or hope I will be again?

Or maybe that’s exactly why I should get rid of them. A clean slate and all. The person that I was is never going to be the person I can be again. I’m a whole new person and that person who wore Little Miss t-shirts is like my distant relative.

It’s just that, yes, my whole entire body has changed, but I’ve spent 3 years in maternity/nursing-able clothing and, well, it’s pissing me off. I’m fed up with it now and I keep all of the clothes that I loved back in the distant past because I want to remember what I was, who I was, what I looked like, but also what I can be when I don’t need an expandable waist to accommodate a growing child or easy access to my boobs for another growing child.

I’ll re-evaluate the clothes when I get to either the right weight or when my breastfeeding journey ends forever, but even so, I’ve cleared out 3 big bags for charity.

Along with 2 bags waiting to be taken to our local BHF store, I also have three bags of kitchen things ready to go and maybe a box plus of kitchen things that are currently in the shed… they may have to wait until I clear up some space as they might need a clean now! Our back room is still a dumping ground. There’s the three huge piles of boxes that are waiting for the next Little Pickles Market and two huge piles of DVDs/games waiting for me to sort out a Music Magpie order. Oh, and I sold on most of my unwanted Christmas presents last week on ebay and made over ¬£40. This house will declutter, it will just take a while as I am a super-hoarder.

So, maybe only 0.2kg down, but two huge bags and three carrier bags of charity worthy stuff down. That’s a pretty good week, I reckon!

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January’s Reading List

Way before Christmas I began reading Hester Browne’s Vintage Girl, or Swept off her Feet (Vintage Girl is a such better title, and why does it have two anyway?), I struggled to get in to it, but I think that was my issue, not the book’s. And I just finished it a few days ago. I love Hester Browne books and I think I only have one left to read, but I haven’t ordered it for my kindle yet. I do however have three books waiting on my kindle. Two Jackie Collins books that I got in the Black Friday sales last year and a freebie for a day called The Knokkits, which is written by someone I used to work with.

I don’t really know which to read next. I think I prefer the idea of The Knokkits, but then I don’t want to read two Jackie Collins in a row. Or I could continue with the GRRM collection of Egg and Dunk tales (I’ve read maybe 4 pages so far), but that’s a¬†proper¬†book.

Oh, and whilst trying to declutter, I found an old cupboard with some half read books in – another Jackie Collins, a Jordan/Katie Price book and another one possibly called Scandalous. Firstly, I started reading two of them as easy reading. Super easy reading, but cannot remember them at all so may as well start again. The Jordan/Katie Price one, I¬†only¬†started reading as it was a joke anniversary present from my husband almost 4 years ago. 4! Oh, my, God that must be the longest it’s ever taken me to read a book. Haha. It’s pretty rubbish. I’ll leave that in the book pile. And the other two really should be restarted as I have no idea what they’re about.

So, GRRM, The Knokkits or Jackie Collins? Or, do I download the next ASOIAF that I wanted to reread and put it on my kindle?

The choices, the choices… I think, as I just read a lovely, light, romantic, easy, chick-lit book where I may now be in love with Evie and Robert, the next one should be the collection of Egg and Dunk. Even though it is a proper book and not quite as easy to pick up and put down.

Honestly, if you’re looking for something heavenly happy to read, with pretty obvious couples, but interesting paths to get to the coupling, then read any of Hester’s books. My only real flaw with them is how they end. They are classic fairy tales, I guess, they end with a kiss, an assumption of a relationship and living happily ever after and it leaves me wanting more. After investing in reading, in this example, how Evie and Robert get to know each other and start, I want to see at least a bit of how it plays out. Ooh, and my copy had reading group questions at the end, which I would love to do. If I didn’t have so many other books on my to read list, I’d sit and write essays!

Fluffy romance read, presumably violent fantasy up next!

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CBT: Session Two – What Do I Like? #PND

Still no closer to figuring out who I was, session two actually sent me plummeting into a deep giant cavern that was possibly worse than I’d felt before. The second session introduced the lethargy spiral and identifying whether activities you do are pleasurable, routine or necessary. I learnt about how to prioritise my demands.

Well, what the bloody use was that when I am a super organiser. Even now with kids, I organise and plan. That’s what I do. And I think I kinda excel at it. Ask me to deal with not having my routine and I might scream and cry. I might avoid doing something that could alter my routine as I don’t know how I’d cope. But, I didn’t need help with prioritising my demands. I know my daily demands and they never change. Then I read the list of possible pleasurable activities – visiting friends, reading, watching TV, playing with the children, going to the cinema, go swimming, go for a run… Well, I couldn’t see a single thing that I could find pleasure in.

I spent a week in such an awful rut. I tried to be sociable (it was nearly Christmas and Robin finally started going to bed better), but it made me feel worse. How on Earth could I try and figure out who I was if I didn’t know what I liked?

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Operation Yummy Mummy: 0.8kg Down!

Woohoo! So, after yesterday’s God awful mood, apparently it paid off! I really was not expecting to have lost 0.8kg. I really didn’t. I mean I was super good. I used my fitbit to track my calories in (although very roughly because I am not about to start weighing all of my food), I only went over my allowance yesterday – which was more because I really was not very active. Today and tomorrow might be a problem, but my baby girl only turns one once! I also did have some junk food (that which is forbidden), like jelly babies, some left over Christmas chocolate, but I ate far more in moderation than normally.

Apart from today perhaps, but I needed to make birthday cakes and check the icing tastes nice!

I think I also did well with my step count every day last week including Friday. And I did some Dance Central on my Xbox, which really works up a sweat.

According to my weight goal (the first of which is my pre-Robin weight), I am only 1.3kg away. Then I’ll only be 10 away from my ultimate goal, 15kg away from my¬†I can dream that I look like my 18 year old self again, can’t I? goal, which I think I’d actually be too skinny if I lost that much weight.

I have 7 weeks until I return to work, about 5 until I head out to do the return to work clothes shopping, I reckon I can reach my first goal and be on the way to the second. I’m assuming that it’s going to start to get harder the longer I go though. The fat will be more stuck on me and it’ll be less¬†pregnancy weight and just¬†I ate too many cookies¬†weight. But I am also hoping that my activity levels increase once back at work.

On other Yummy Mummy news, I am almost at the end of Hester Browne’s¬†Swept off her Feet. It took me forever to get into, but one of my goals from therapy was to read more, to dedicate time to it and enjoy it, so after my Dance Central fun, I have a bath and read at least a chapter. I am so enjoying it and am, of course, rooting for Evie and Robert. But then, I always root for the main character in most books but definitely in Hester’s (except Little Lady Agencies, where I never liked the American and always preferred the best friend… 3 books later!). I really really want Evie to stay and help run the castle with Robert!

I haven’t done anything on the social side of things, but Hubby had football which takes him out ALL day and I didn’t want to risk a bad night’s sleep the night before. This coming week looks far more promising…!

So, as we pretty much literally approach the dawn of my baby girl reaching her first ever birthday, I do finally feel like I can say that I’m happy.

 

I’m happy!

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CBT: Session One – Who Am I?

Last year, I went through a pretty rough time. I’d already consulted my health visitor about needing to speak to someone regarding how I was feeling. It was getting worse, week on week, or maybe month on month and I was waiting for the appointment when we went on a family holiday. The final day of the holiday I could not stop myself from crying because I desperately did not want to go home. I was walking back to the lodge in the dark (it was dark by 7pm) after the dinner and the entertainment show, with Elvis. My OH and Robin had gone a different way with the pushchair. We were walking past the bird enclosure and all I could think was that I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away with Elvis. Sod, my husband, sod the baby, sod the boring everyday routine that I hated. I didn’t want to go back to the real world. I didn’t want to go back to my life. I wanted to run away.

And I just kept crying.

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Operation Yummy Mummy: 0.3kg down

As part of my Operation Yummy Mummy, I am actively trying to lose my baby weight. Mainly by eating less junk food and by doing more exercise. Last summer I actually started enjoying jogging, but I’m a wimp and hate the wind (which is incredibly strong and bitingly cold at the moment), so instead I’m focussing on using my Xbox1 to do aerobics, which I am loving – currently using Dance Central and it is fab! The eating of junk food is a bit hit and miss, but I am using my fitbit to monitor what I eat and it helps. I do also love it recording my active minutes!

Anywho, this week’s weigh in ¬†showed a 0.3kg loss! I’m very pleased. I’ve had some incredibly active days this week, but Friday’s are always my lazy days and I had a takeaway (although I did overeat, my overall calorie intake yesterday wasn’t too bad), but to know that I managed to lose 0.3 during a week where I wasn’t super strict on the junk food is quite pleasing.

2.1kg left to lose for my first goal – pre-second pregnancy weight! I’ll make a hopeful prediction of 7 weeks at the 0.3 rate, which is also roughly when I go back to work, too.

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Operation: Yummy Mummy

Hiya! Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? So much has happened since the last posts on here. The last post I really thought was here was The End? And it was. But a lot has happened in the months since then. I was questioning why I was blogging. I was questioning why I was doing anything pretty much. Questioning why I even existed. I tried setting up a new blog that was more about day to day life and not as personal as this blog has been, but it never felt right at the time. I guess because I always blogged when I was low, when I needed to pour out my heart and blogging about being a parent wasn’t what I needed. I think I was trying to make this blog something else and I wasn’t happy anymore. I wasn’t happy with the blog, I wasn’t happy with me. I just plain wasn’t happy. So now, over half a year later and so very close to Robin’s first ever birthday, I’m in the process of changing my life.

I was referred to a local course that helps mums with post natal depression and it made me realise that I completely lost my sense of identity, but not when I got pregnant. Not when I became a mum. I lost my identity somewhere in 2009 when I decided to make the decision to become a mum, only to wait over 3 years. My identity was, for three years, the infertile one. But then I became a mum so who was I? I was just a mum. And that wasn’t, isn’t who I want to be.

Robin has been such a different baby. Easier in a lot of ways. Happier and far, far smilier, but she’s also needed feeding more. She took longer to take to food, to drop her milk. So, I (who has no identity other than Mother), was trapped more and more. For all her easiness and joy, I found it harder. I just wanted space. I just wanted time. I wanted to be me, well, to figure out who I even am. But she was taking longer. So I felt worse and worse.

I guess with a combination of her growing up (almost 1, only 2 milk feeds a day, finally gained some weight, pretty much sleeping through) and the course I’ve been on, I’m working some things out. And so, to find me, I’ve thought a lot about what I like. Or what I used to like.

I like to exercise, to have 30 minutes where I’m not in my head. It could be swimming, jogging or aerobics, but I like it.

I like to read.

I like to be up to date with my Marvel and Star Wars films.

I like to be alone.

And I had blogged for years.

Well, hello 2016 and the year where I make myself happy (because if I’m happy, my family is happy). I’m calling it Operation: Yummy Mummy. It’s not about being the picture of a Yummy Mummy (I’ll never get the figure or beauty for that), but it is about feeling like a Yummy Mummy. It’s about noticing what makes me feel like a failure as a mum, being more active in being a person independent from my children, reaffirming my relationships with friends and my husband. It is about realising the triggers that make me feel down, get me stressed, make my cry hysterically and working on avoiding or fixing them. And, yes, it is about shifting the baby weight which seems to be so much harder to do the second time around. I want to be able to hold conversations with anyone that don’t revolve around children.

And blogging might help. It might not. I might forget about it again within days (I’ve been planning this post for, oh, about 12 days!), but that’s what blogging was originally. It wasn’t planned posts on a regular interval. It wasn’t trying to keep an audience or traffic stats. It was blogging when I needed to. Needed, not wanted. I guess, it was my incredibly public diary. But maybe if I had kept an element of privacy over it, I would have used it more ¬†during the darker few months. And I’m not out of the dark yet, so it can only help, right?

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Introduction To the Other Me: Two Words

There’s a side of me that I keep quiet about online now. It’s a side of me that was the first me on the internet, almost 20 years ago and over the past few months, slowly some elements have crept into this blog. I’m a sci-fi geek. I used to never talk about my love of TV, attending conventions and writing fanfiction, but I now have some TV based blogs on here. I have discussed my conventions on here. But my fanfiction has never appeared.

Until now.

Where I house my fanfiction online, it has work dating back to the early 2000s if not maybe late 90s and I was a very different person then. God, I was barely an adult. I’m not going to go into great depth about the stories that I have posted online for the world to read. I won’t go into graphic detail into why I write fanfiction, which my favourite show is or what my favourite pairing is, etc, etc. I go through random periods where I write and others when I don’t. I haven’t written in almost a year now, but I keep thinking about it at the moment.

If you hit the more tag, there is a story beneath. It’s based on a TV show that I watch and love but you truly, really don’t need to know anything at all about that show. There are barely any names mentioned and the piece is very different for me. It is one of a few pieces that were written to work things out in my head and as we approach the second birthday of my first born, this is the story I wrote for him just before he turned one. And I guess this post, the story beneath are evidence of a different me – the me that writes fanfiction and keeps it hidden like a dirty little secret and the me that I was before I was blessed with Elvis and then Robin.

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Potential Convention Plans 2015

Here are my possibilities:

 

Milton Keynes convention is on the list for the potential of attaching the trip to our staycation and because maybe Hubby and Toddler can go and do something else whilst we’re there and/or make a weekend of it. I’m still unsure of taking Robin somewhere overnight and especially all four of us being in the one room for a whole night!

The activities I’ve found in Milton Keynes are:

For Bournemouth, I already know about the Oceanarium, which we should be visiting for our staycation, and there’s the beach. What else could we do?

Any tips on hotel staying with two little ‘uns? Or on visiting Bournemouth and Milton Keynes?

Or taking babies and toddlers to a convention filled with cosplayers and famous actors/actresses?

~ P

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