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CBT: Session Two – What Do I Like? #PND

Still no closer to figuring out who I was, session two actually sent me plummeting into a deep giant cavern that was possibly worse than I’d felt before. The second session introduced the lethargy spiral and identifying whether activities you do are pleasurable, routine or necessary. I learnt about how to prioritise my demands.

Well, what the bloody use was that when I am a super organiser. Even now with kids, I organise and plan. That’s what I do. And I think I kinda excel at it. Ask me to deal with not having my routine and I might scream and cry. I might avoid doing something that could alter my routine as I don’t know how I’d cope. But, I didn’t need help with prioritising my demands. I know my daily demands and they never change. Then I read the list of possible pleasurable activities – visiting friends, reading, watching TV, playing with the children, going to the cinema, go swimming, go for a run… Well, I couldn’t see a single thing that I could find pleasure in.

I spent a week in such an awful rut. I tried to be sociable (it was nearly Christmas and Robin finally started going to bed better), but it made me feel worse. How on Earth could I try and figure out who I was if I didn’t know what I liked?

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Operation Yummy Mummy: 0.8kg Down!

Woohoo! So, after yesterday’s God awful mood, apparently it paid off! I really was not expecting to have lost 0.8kg. I really didn’t. I mean I was super good. I used my fitbit to track my calories in (although very roughly because I am not about to start weighing all of my food), I only went over my allowance yesterday – which was more because I really was not very active. Today and tomorrow might be a problem, but my baby girl only turns one once! I also did have some junk food (that which is forbidden), like jelly babies, some left over Christmas chocolate, but I ate far more in moderation than normally.

Apart from today perhaps, but I needed to make birthday cakes and check the icing tastes nice!

I think I also did well with my step count every day last week including Friday. And I did some Dance Central on my Xbox, which really works up a sweat.

According to my weight goal (the first of which is my pre-Robin weight), I am only 1.3kg away. Then I’ll only be 10 away from my ultimate goal, 15kg away from my I can dream that I look like my 18 year old self again, can’t I? goal, which I think I’d actually be too skinny if I lost that much weight.

I have 7 weeks until I return to work, about 5 until I head out to do the return to work clothes shopping, I reckon I can reach my first goal and be on the way to the second. I’m assuming that it’s going to start to get harder the longer I go though. The fat will be more stuck on me and it’ll be less pregnancy weight and just I ate too many cookies weight. But I am also hoping that my activity levels increase once back at work.

On other Yummy Mummy news, I am almost at the end of Hester Browne’s Swept off her Feet. It took me forever to get into, but one of my goals from therapy was to read more, to dedicate time to it and enjoy it, so after my Dance Central fun, I have a bath and read at least a chapter. I am so enjoying it and am, of course, rooting for Evie and Robert. But then, I always root for the main character in most books but definitely in Hester’s (except Little Lady Agencies, where I never liked the American and always preferred the best friend… 3 books later!). I really really want Evie to stay and help run the castle with Robert!

I haven’t done anything on the social side of things, but Hubby had football which takes him out ALL day and I didn’t want to risk a bad night’s sleep the night before. This coming week looks far more promising…!

So, as we pretty much literally approach the dawn of my baby girl reaching her first ever birthday, I do finally feel like I can say that I’m happy.

 

I’m happy!

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CBT: Session One – Who Am I?

Last year, I went through a pretty rough time. I’d already consulted my health visitor about needing to speak to someone regarding how I was feeling. It was getting worse, week on week, or maybe month on month and I was waiting for the appointment when we went on a family holiday. The final day of the holiday I could not stop myself from crying because I desperately did not want to go home. I was walking back to the lodge in the dark (it was dark by 7pm) after the dinner and the entertainment show, with Elvis. My OH and Robin had gone a different way with the pushchair. We were walking past the bird enclosure and all I could think was that I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to run away with Elvis. Sod, my husband, sod the baby, sod the boring everyday routine that I hated. I didn’t want to go back to the real world. I didn’t want to go back to my life. I wanted to run away.

And I just kept crying.

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VIPs – To Who?

I went to a toddler’s birthday party yesterday and there was a mum there that I recognised. That’s a bit of an understatement really. I know her name. I went to school with her. She was the first person I met when I transferred schools mid-year. And she probably has no idea who I am?

And it got me to wondering about who is important to me and who would consider me important to them.

When I was younger I used to keep a weekly list of my ten best friends  (goodness, how pathetic!) and I’d rank my friends. Honestly, I do not do this anymore, but if I were to think of the first people I’d call in an emergency, that I want to spend with or that I’d want to involve in my Operation Yummy Mummy Social Time, how many of them would put me there?

I don’t think that many.

If we automatically take out my mum, husband and children, maybe 2 of the ten would likely put me in their top ten, too.

I guess this has always bothered me; believing that I value someone more than they value me. But it doesn’t really matter, does it? As long as I have people I value and that I can depend on, surely it’s of no matter if anyone depends on me.

So that mum who doesn’t have any idea who I am, played a relatively important role in my school years (enough for me to remember her whole name) and the friend who sees me as simply a friend, not a best friend, well, I know what a pivotal role they have played for me.

Perhaps there’s someone out there who I have no recollection of that considers me an important part of their past.

~ P

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Monthly Update: Month 24

Oh my God! Elvis is two!

Favourite toy/objects: Mummy the little person in the lounge. Daddy the little person (a farmer actually) in the garden.

Our swimming ability: He finally jumped into the pool!

Words: Sunglasses. Found mummy – when he found the mummy in his toy box. Mickey out – when he wanted to take his bedtime Mickey out of the cot.

Signs: Even though he can say stop perfectly well, he also signs it. Possibly because I sign and say it. I wonder if the more I sign to Robin, the more Elvis will sign back. The cutest thing was him saying “Baby stop (with the sign) crying” – adorable.

Number of Teeth: We got an 11th!

Fears: Apparently Elvis still hates hand driers in public bathrooms and he isn’t too keen on public toilets or public changing rooms.

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Monthly Update: Month 4

Weight, Length, Height:

Routine: We have one! It is not super firm and consistent but it’s there! Wake up between 0730-0800, feed, play, nap between 0900-0930 for maybe 25-45 minutes. Then feeds every 3hours, naps of 45 minutes max after being awake about an hour. On an afternoon she might sleep through a feed.

Bedtime: The bedtime routine is firming up – nap until about 6, get ready for bed, cluster feed until half 7 or 8.

Naps/Length: At week 14 the only pattern is that after an hour-ish of being awake, Robin needs a nap. It was also at the beginning of this month that she started doing independent naps in the pram.

Number of feeds in 24hrs: Sometimes 6 but sometimes 8. It plays havoc with my boobs!

Favourite toy/objects: probably her sit up ring although she can sit for a few seconds (at 14 weeks). She also really likes fabric books as she can eat them to her hearts content!

Clothing age: By 15 weeks I decided the sleeves on 0-3 were too short so Robin moved into 3-6 exclusively.

Foot length/Shoe Size:

Milestones: Rolled front to back multiple times, grinning each time (Elvis cried when he first did it!). She’s started to put toys to her mouth and reaching and grabbing for toys on her gym and pram.

Signs: I’m only signing milk to her and she does react to it/the word. Once when she was ratty I saw her hand possibly signing but it might have just been her hand moving.

Fears: nappy change rooms. Elvis still isn’t too keen!

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M I C K E Y M O U S E

Elvis loves the Disney Channel (Junior) and really likes Mick (Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse). I don’t mind. I love Disney and quite enjoy Sofia the First, too. Not sure about Doc McStuffins or Curious George yet.

But I have some questions!

Why does Donald talk more like a duck than Daisy?

Why are Goofy and Minnie the only ones fully dressed?

Are Mickey/Minnie and Donald/Daisy dating/married?

Why doesn’t Donald wear shoes? The others do.

Is Goofy a dog? If he is, why isn’t he a pet like Pluto?

Finally, is letting my toddler watch this much TV a sign of lazy parenting and going to do some form of long lasting horrendous damage?

~ P

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Potential Convention Plans 2015

Here are my possibilities:

 

Milton Keynes convention is on the list for the potential of attaching the trip to our staycation and because maybe Hubby and Toddler can go and do something else whilst we’re there and/or make a weekend of it. I’m still unsure of taking Robin somewhere overnight and especially all four of us being in the one room for a whole night!

The activities I’ve found in Milton Keynes are:

For Bournemouth, I already know about the Oceanarium, which we should be visiting for our staycation, and there’s the beach. What else could we do?

Any tips on hotel staying with two little ‘uns? Or on visiting Bournemouth and Milton Keynes?

Or taking babies and toddlers to a convention filled with cosplayers and famous actors/actresses?

~ P

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Staycation Plans

Plans for my Staycation:

We’re going to have 5 daytrips over this summer rather than going away with Robin being so little and it’s easier on hubby’s job to spread the time off, and I want to include a trip to the Isle of Wight (to take Elvis on a boat), a farm to see the animals, a zoo and then a theme park type place.

Out of the three farms on the list, Longdown farm sounds the best on their website, Staunton next and then Manor. Longdown recommended by friends, but the most expensive. Seems far more tailored, by website anyway, for visitors. Hubby and I also have tickets for afternoon tea at Staunton which I was hoping to use over the Summer with either Nanny babysitting or accompanying us and taking the children off around the farm/park part. It’s also really quite close to home so perhaps more tailored, for us, for weekend regular visits when we just want to get out of the house. Especaily as their season ticket price is pretty decent. So I reckon Longdown is the one we’ll end up going to.

As for Theme Parks, well, there’s no Disney or Alton Towers in there, is there? We did Paulton’s last year and Elvis preferred the play park areas to the rides. I’m sure that will have changed by now, but it’s not as if us adults can do much there so does it matter about us at all? I like the fact that Jennifer has been to Legoland with toddlers, as had some commenters on her blog. I reckon it could be a nice different place to go rather than Paultons. Especially as the Junior part of Paultons is all about Peppa Pig and I’m not too keen on her. Elvis has never watched her either. Daddy might prefer Legoland, too.

I have no idea what I really want to do on the Isle of Wight, but I found a link to Blackgang Chine and I just might have to do it. The website may make it look a bit tacky. May make it look a bit old and rundown, but Elvis is not going to notice. I quite like the idea of wondering through Fairy Land and the Giant Bug Walk, or singing along in Nursery World. Just me? Okay then.

The oceanarium at Bournemouth is really a test run for potentially heading that way for a convention in August and visiting a bigger aquarium than our local one has to offer. Elvis loves the Blue Reef Center when we go, so he will love it, along with the animals at Marwell and whichever farm we end up deciding on.

I don’t even know when we’re doing this, maybe in June or we might start in May and we might be adding a weekend stay in Milton Keynes for me to attend a convention with both kiddies.

Any recommendations or other suggestions?

~ P

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Toddler Quirks 1

The ten most recent quirks of my toddler –

1. Dinner time is filled with tears when Elvis accidentally breaks his cracker or piece of bread. Because he asks me to fix it. I can’t remake a cracker. He won’t accept new either. So we get tears.

2. Elvis already copies me at breakfast by spooning up the leftover milk in his cereal bowl. Then he saw me lick a spoon I’d stirred my milkshake with. Now he spoon drinks his cup of milk.

3. He knocks his knuckles on lots of things saying “knock, knock, knock” which is quirky and cute in its own way but recently he did it on his bottle of sun cream!

4. When he wanted more milk on his cereal, Daddy did so by pouring somw from his cup. Moments later? Elvis drowned his cereal, the table, his lap and the floor.

5. During a recent bad teething day, Elvis demanded his dummy ALL morning. It was strapped to his pushchair when I took him swimming and I refused to take it off. After much pulling, the dummy pulled off from the strap. Well, Elvis went crazy (even though he now had a free dummy) until I put it back on the strap.

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