Persephone: Parent

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Mega Mummy Moment

I’m going to write this post as a two parter – the lead up and after-show of a Mega Mummy Moment.

Daddy has the day off to visit the dentist in an hour and the sun has finally gone, the breeze is actually kind of chilly! It’s lovely. So after what should be a feed at 2pm, I’m going swimming!

I am going to leave the house, leave my boy and go swimming. Alone. I am going to have a 15 minute walk there and back. Alone. I’m going to swim for 30 minutes. Alone. I’ll probably leave washing my hair until I get home, just so I’m not out too long. Just in case.

I haven’t been swimming since week 39, 12 weeks ago! I found it so relaxing whilst pregnant. I could manage 22-24 lengths in 30 minutes. My quick, painless recovery from my c-section is all down to swimming, I reckon.

I’m quite excited, fingers crossed nothing comes up!

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Venturing Out

As it’s still the weekend and we all got a second lie in (well yesterday it was 7am when Elvis and I awoke, 8am for all of us today) I was quite pleased that it felt slightly cooler out and that we could all perhaps venture out to town and proper shops. Not just the food and second hand shops nearby.

I only wanted to go to try and find a few things for Elvis, but it needed to be proper baby shops.

And I found everything I wanted!
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Counting Down

I was really I’ll Tuesday night. Either a bug, food poisoning or heat stroke. For over three hours I couldn’t even keep water down. Despite my gro-egg saying it was 24 degrees, I was wrapped in my thick dressing gown and duvet. After I finished being sick I slept relatively well. Even if I did feel freezing in this heat wave. My bigger concern was Elvis staying hydrated if I couldn’t keep water down. At 5am we were both awake and I struggled to put him into his cot as I lay on the floor beside him. I was physically drained, there was no food fuelling me at all. Hubby took me to Nanny’s (who didn’t hear a thing and is now concerned she wouldn’t hear burglars) because we weren’t sure if I would keep my toast down.

Maybe it was because yesterday was so bad (no more vomiting, but I was still feverish) or maybe because I feel trapped in the house, but I just keep counting down 3 hourly blocks.
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Persephone: The Worrier

I am a born worried and this post may reveal more than I planned, or sound wrong without explanation.

I worry that I’m not the best mother I can be. I worry about my making a decision, doing something that is not in Elvis’ best interests, or that has some sort of long lasting damage down the line. I worry that I’m finding all of this parenting thing harder than others, that I’m too weak. I worry that I’m wishing my son’s youth away. I worry about my relationships – friends and husband.

However many of these are silly, normal and will pass. I’ve been a full parent for 8 weeks almost and my worry about not feeding my son sufficiently has long passed; I’m sure however many of these worries will too.

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Alone With Elvis

I think Alone used to be a main tag out theme of poetry on what was my main blog; in some ways it was/is one of my greatest fears. Oddly as an only child who is still able to thoroughly entertain myself alone, I still hate feeling alone. Even now I would rather spend my days on my own with Elvis with some item of technology Рcomputer, pad or TV. At the most I currently only really like sharing my time with my mother. Perhaps because she understands, perhaps because she  gives me space and aid.

I can spend hours at my mum’s and feel a bit human. She can chat away to her grandson and I can eat in peace, drink a hot cup of tea, go to the loo, have a lie down, hold an adult conversation with her or her friends. This is all because she only has those hours I visit.

The time I actually feel alone the most is in the evening or weekends when it’s just me, my husband and my son.
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Noisy Nights

After a second early night (go Elvis!) I’m shattered because it’s also the second night of increased noise from the littlest member of my family.

Elvis spends his night sleeps grunting, whimpering, crying and choking, all the time keeping me awake. I have no real idea what the hell to do about it. So after him falling asleep at 2000, I had to do a 2300 feed due to his noise, then at 0150. By this point I swear I was awake the whole time.

At 0200, mid feed, I kicked hubby out of bed, set myself up in the middle of the double and Elvis has quietly slept on my chest until the 0500 feed. I still feel shattered. And starving. But I’ve had some sleep.

I’m strongly considering putting him into his cot in the nursery or co-sleeping all night with hubby on the sofa because he is so loud. From forums I gather it stops within 3 months, but as a month old today there is no way I can survive another 2 like last night.

Help!

~ Persephone M

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First Fathers’ Day

Yeah, I’m a day late, I’m also the tired mother of a newborn so daddy hasn’t received his first fathers’ day present and card yet.

Ok so the present still isn’t ready. I need to print a picture for a photo frame for daddy to put on his desk at work. It’s the photo the midwife took of daddy in his blue scrubs holding Elvis moments after he was born.

The card, though, that’s what took the effort. On the front of the card is a plain box with the title My Masterpiece and space to draw in the box, labelling it underneath with name and age.

Today I had the time to enact my plan. I have these tiny mini inkpads and I took the blue and yellow (daddy’s football team colours) and carefully inked up Elvis’ hand and foot seperately before pressing them onto the card. With the hand, I did a finger or two at a time and wet-wiped them immediately. With his foot, I inked up a whole section and the toes – feet don’t curl into a ball like hands!

Oh and he was asleep through this!

The inks came off straight away with the first wetwipes I reached (happened to be Huggies). I’m quite proud of Elvis’ artwork. It truly is a masterpiece!

~ Persephone M
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Yesterday, I Fell In Love

I’m probably about to bring great, humungous shame on myself as a parent, but yesterday I fell in love with my son.

Yesterday, I felt it for the first time.

Sure I’ve thought he was cute and I’ve known how much he completely and totally depends on me. But I’d felt necessity until yesterday.

I had a comment on a blog earlier this week about how honest my posts are, which they are except for a few things that I leave out, refusing to admit them. It’s a refusal out of fear and shame.

It is by far a secret that I spent the first two weeks finding everything incredibly difficult. On Sunday night I finally admitted to hubby how difficult and how I felt. I admitted that, at that time, I was only doing everything I was for my husband. I wasn’t feeding Elvis because Elvis needed me to, I was doing it because hubby wanted me to. I wasn’t forcing myself to stay at home with my family for Elvis’ sake, it was because, if I left I’d lose my husband and I don’t want that.

At that point I was still happy to sleep on the sofa abandoning my son in the room with his daddy who was fast asleep and none the wiser. I was happy for daddy to take Elvis out for a few hours and leave me in peace – I wouldn’t know where either of them were. When I was with him I was only making sure that he was safe – room temperature, layers of clothing, etc – because we both suffered so much to get Elvis, not because I didn’t want to lose him.

Until yesterday when I looked down at him at some point and felt so scared of losing him because I love him. So when he spent the night sounding really mucousy to the point that I couldn’t sleep out of worry, I took him downstairs to where it was quieter so I could sleep and hear him. Last week I’d have left him with daddy out of annoyance.

Now there are no thoughts of me walking out, not from fear of losing my hubby but because I could never do that to Elvis. Now I no longer view Elvis as a leech, draining all my life from me. He’s my child and I love him.

It just took over 3 weeks for it to happen!

~ Persephone M

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Daddy Details

As I sit here feeding Elvis (after a 10pm bedtime feed, 1am midnight feed and now 4am – loving this boy at nighttimes!) I can’t help but watch both of my boys sleep. Last night, rather randomly, hubby laid there fast asleep, smiled, laughed out loud and then rolled over still smiling. It was an amazingly refreshing relaxed smile, too.

Not that either of us know why he was smiling.

I feel bad for him sometimes, working as long as he does. Especially as I now sleep in to catch up. And because Elvis tends to simply feed all evening long. Daddy can’t really interact with a feeding baby. Oh and not that he cluster fed last night. No, there was a bit of hysterical screaming as he was overly tired and I did have a few tears about how my body was aching, but Elvis settled before 11pm and my tears lasted only a few minutes.

I think for the past couple of nights my tears have got less because I’m sleeping more and my body’s getting used to the strains and aches.

Meanwhile, I get to watch both of my boys sleeping and at their most innocent. But hubby misses all of that. He doesn’t get to see all of the weird faces Elvis pulls as he relaxes. Or all the random noises that make our son sound like a cat. No, instead hubby gets home from work, cooks dinner, lets me shower, watches one thing on TV with me and then we all go up to bed.

He does that to help me out as the evenings are still the most stressful. After the whole day alone with Elvis and then the high maintainence evenings, I wouldn’t cope without hubby sitting beside me. Hubby also gets a broken night’s sleep without nap chances so as soon as Elvis finally settles that first time, hubby’s asleep and I get to listen to them both.

I’m now really looking forward to this weekend – it’s the only time hubby really gets. And I might get a break!

And now for the super soppy comment, ever since Elvis has arrived, I’ve never loved my hubby more. Even if he lies there snoring as I see to his son’s needs!

~ Persephone M

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