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Guilty Love

This is what I feel with regards to Robin, to the unborn baby that actually, I don’t necessarily even love. I don’t hate him/her. I just don’t know them. How am I supposed to love them?

Do some mums feel that kind of rush of love when they get that positive test? When they feel the first kick? Or when they first hold their child?

I don’t think I ever really did with Elvis. I felt immense relief when he was born – that an impossible journey was over. Finally.

At some point I fell in love with him of course!

But now I face the problem of the sibling.

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Feeling Unloved

I don’t think it happened with Elvis, maybe because I wasn’t generally so damn uncomfortable,  but I feel kinda unloved. Because of the pelvis pain, I have to sleep in certain positions, which mean no hubby cuddles — I guess last time I could have hubby cuddles on the sofa. This time, I have to sit on a gym ball most of the evening so, again, no hubby cuddles. I’m not sure if he’s noticed. I’ve tried telling him, but I think I’ve been talking in girl code (you know, plain English that is never quite plain enough). I guess I need to spell it out clearly – cuddle me!

The other thing is, we’re both always with Elvis. Sure, we’re alone from 7pm as Elvis pretty much goes straight to sleep and doesn’t stir (except those little teething blips), but there’s no intimacy,  nothing special. We’re still trying to sort out the house after the move. We need a night out alone. Or a day out without Elvis. The only thing is, my mum’s the only babysitter local and she’s already looking after Elvis every Tuesday for over 4 hours whilst I work and then I keep roping her in to cover maternity appointments and I really don’t want to pester her with extra times. I’m sure that she wouldn’t begrudge it at all especially a daytime session.

My mum’s house still isn’t ready from her move so she has to look after Elvis at ours, which I think annoys her as when he naps she has nothing to do. Therefore she prefers watching him in the day as he, obviously, sleeps less. Saying that, she is watching him on a Saturday night soon so we can attend a wedding — although the verdict is still out as to where she is watching him and if it is over the whole night.

That’s my plan then, a daytime date. No toddler attached.

~ P

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Congratulations! You Cease To Exist

A.K.A Grandparents think they’re far too important!

I am so going to get into trouble for this post! I got a text a while ago announcing a birth. It reads: Hi just to let you know Baby Blah Blah was born this morning. Mum is battered and bruised but my new grand daughter is worth it xxx

Oviously the baby was not named Blah Blah. No, first off, I found it very impersonal that the new babba’s Grand mother did the announcing. I don’t believe that it is a Grand parent’s prerogative to do this, although, perhaps she was tasked with this by both parents. It was my husband’s job, not my mother’s. But that’s me and my family.

Secondly, I found the message hugely disrespectful to the mum in question. Now maybe that is simply because I have had such an issue with identity since becoming a mother. From before Elvis was even born, my mother insisted every other day that no one would want to visit me, they were all coming to see Elvis. No one would care how I was coping or processing things, everyone would want to hold Elvis, know how he was doing. I would, according to her, cease to exist. What even to my husband and own mother? How can I cease to exist when I was, at that point, the person who had just had major surgery and was the most important person to that little baby?

So, perhaps due to my own issues, I find the comment that “my new grand daughter is worth it” almost revolting. Really I do. First off, what exactly did you do in getting the grand daughter? Wait outside in a waiting room, or back at home. Did you get battered and bruised? Maybe you did 30 years ago, but do you want the world to know that? Meanwhile, how does your daughter feel? Oh, you’re in pain, never mind you have a daughter now and I’ll shout it all to the world.

People have to stop only seeing the baby in a birth. People have to stop telling mums to get over the birth because all that matters is the baby that they have. People have to stop only wanting to see the new baby. People have to stop deciding that they are more important than a parent.

I think Elvis’ grandparents had an issue with me breastfeeding him. I had one grandparent ask me if I was breastfeeding purely to lose weight. I had another, after we’d started weaning him, declare as they fed him spoons of yoghurt “see, mummy’s not the only one who can feed you”. Do some grandparents think that their grandchild is a do over? Do they think they are as important, have as many rights as the parents? Why did we have some grandparents race across the country to meet their grandson and then never send a Christmas or Birthday card to him?

I can remember one hot August day last year when Elvis was still under 3 months old and we were too far from home when he got hungry/thirsty and would not stop screaming in his pushchair and I started to get really upset, walking as fast as possible to get him home and my mum, in the way she does, spoke to him as if he understood completely and said “You’re upsetting my daughter.” And I remember thinking, yes, I am still your daughter. I am not just the person who gave you a grandchild. I am still me. I will always be me and sometimes, selfishly, I want everything to be about me.

And that poor other new mum, in her battered and bruised state, was completely overlooked on the day that she did one of the hardest things a woman a can do, a day that can be one of the most amazing days in a person’s life, was ignored. Sure, that child becomes the most important person in the parents’ lives, but you still have to consider each other and others. And, as a grandparent, if you annoy the parents, you can be written out of the story.

Have you ever felt pushed out of your own family by others?

~ P

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Mummy’s Day Out

For a friend’s birthday, I bought her a trip to a local gym and she so very kindly took me. Now, having babies pretty much the same age, we waited for them to nor be so dependent on milk and went off for some gym fun.

It was the best day ever.

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Jealousy as Green as Any Monster

Today marks the second successful abandoning of Elvis at Nanny’s. This time it was so I could randomly go and visit a friend with her newborn. And by successful, I mean he napped! And he was still asleep when I got back.

As he lay upstairs sleeping, my mum, Nanny, said “And all you used to do was 20 minutes each day!” Yep, Nanny sounded rather jealous that I, apparently, refused to nap for her!

Clearly Elvis doesn’t just look like Daddy, he sleeps like him, too!

“And I had to sneak around so you couldn’t see me. Or hear me.”

Cue later on today when I’d taken E home and he was having his second nap, it was approaching tea time, his dinner was cooked, the bathroom cleaned and so I hoovered the upstairs, right up to his door. Did he wake up? Nope.

Again, just like his father who can sleep through anything, not me who wakes at the slightest breath from my hubby!

This kid is nothing like me. And, yeah, whilst Nanny might be jealous of my sleepy baby, I’m kind of jealous that my son is nothing like me at all.

~ P

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Nanny’s and Napping

Today, I abandoned Elvis at Nanny’s for the morning. She’s looked after him before. She’s babysat him before. But she’s never had him when he’d need a nap. When she babysat, it was at our house where Elvis will happily sleep because he loves his cot!

The times I’ve tried to get him to nap at Nanny’s have been very hit and miss. And at Nanny’s he will scream and scream; at home he’s happy and playful if he’s not quite ready to sleep.

And I hate him screaming when I could just take him home and he’ll be happy.

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Leaving Elvis

I often leave Elvis and don’t have a second thought. It’s always been with Daddy, never anyone else.

This is going to sound awful, but I trust strangers more than my family with him. Read the rest of this entry »

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My 5th Anniversary

For our 5th wedding anniversary, hubby and I went out for dinner alone. I believe ai got quite merrily drunk! We left Elvis at home, nicely sleeping with Nanny watching TV downstairs.

I got asked at a baby group if I spent the meal worrying and wondering. In fact it was the same group where a mum proclaimed that she had an hour all to herself the day before, for the first time in 10 months. Other mums started blissfully remembering their first time alone and the worry that filled them.

Umm, what am I doing wrong?

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Mummy Meltdown and Bawling Babies

Okay it was a bawling Mummy, too!

Elvis has recently kept up his 12 hours of sleep at night, self settling 99% of the time and he’s started having 3 naps of well over an hour. We’re talking maybe 5 hours a day. And he absolutely loves his cot. He can be screaming, whiny, tired boy until he’s left alone in his cot. Then you can get up to 30minutes of happy babble until he falls asleep.

Except he has now decided he won’t sleep anywhere else. His pushchair. Nanny’s. Nowhere. And as he stands in his cot at Nanny’s screaming, I feel like crap.

So I’ve decided, I’m going to take him to Nanny’s and go back 4 hours later. If he gets tired and won’t nap, I won’t be crying, too. I just need to decide on the rules for her. No co-sleeping on the sofa. When E lets us co-sleep (he refused last week because he really loves his cot) I do it safely, I’ve done the research. I’m not sure if I should tell her to not bring lunch forward; I never have.

He needs to be able to sleep elsewhere, right? He used to be able to. Or could this just be a phase?

~ P

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Mega Mummy Moment

I’m going to write this post as a two parter – the lead up and after-show of a Mega Mummy Moment.

Daddy has the day off to visit the dentist in an hour and the sun has finally gone, the breeze is actually kind of chilly! It’s lovely. So after what should be a feed at 2pm, I’m going swimming!

I am going to leave the house, leave my boy and go swimming. Alone. I am going to have a 15 minute walk there and back. Alone. I’m going to swim for 30 minutes. Alone. I’ll probably leave washing my hair until I get home, just so I’m not out too long. Just in case.

I haven’t been swimming since week 39, 12 weeks ago! I found it so relaxing whilst pregnant. I could manage 22-24 lengths in 30 minutes. My quick, painless recovery from my c-section is all down to swimming, I reckon.

I’m quite excited, fingers crossed nothing comes up!

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