Persephone: Parent

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Robin Upset Me

My son is 32 months old and is just beginning to understand his emotions. I blame nursery. Haha. He now often uses being tired as an excuse for not doing things, but he is going through something at the moment. Like I said, he’s 32 months old. He’s just dropped his afternoon nap and he’s really exploded in his abilities. He’s more outgoing. He has a memory. He referred to someone as his friend. We keep talking to him about how things are about to change with Robin starting nursery and that our swimming lessons might be changing. I think he might be going through more upheaval than he did twelve months ago when he suddenly received a newborn baby sister!

Robin has started walking (yay!) and the day that she was doing lots of walking with her pram walker (which she now ignores just days later as she can toddle as far and fast alone), Elvis went and hid between two toy shelving units. I asked him why. “Because I’m sad.”

“Why are you sad?”

“Robin upset me.”

And my heart broke.

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Mummy Moment: Day Away #LFCC

After 13 months of just being a mum (which has nothing wrong with it, but is not for me), in the past 3 weeks I have returned to working a 12 hour week and am now sitting at a train station at 0720 in the morning, about to head off to one of my conventions.

It’s daunting.

I mean, I am not one who gets soppy at leaving my son, but I have never, ever, ever left him alone ALL day. I didn’t even see him before I left. I might not see him when I get in.

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My 5th Anniversary

For our 5th wedding anniversary, hubby and I went out for dinner alone. I believe ai got quite merrily drunk! We left Elvis at home, nicely sleeping with Nanny watching TV downstairs.

I got asked at a baby group if I spent the meal worrying and wondering. In fact it was the same group where a mum proclaimed that she had an hour all to herself the day before, for the first time in 10 months. Other mums started blissfully remembering their first time alone and the worry that filled them.

Umm, what am I doing wrong?

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Reconnecting With Myself

For the past two weeks I’ve withdrawn myself from the outside world a little bit for a number of reasons and I’m wondering if it’s wrong.

Over the past 10 months (9.5 to be exact), I’ve felt under a lot of pressure to do right by everyone socially speaking and I now no longer know if I’m putting myself too high. Or Elvis too low.

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Finding the Old Me

I’ve been having some sociable problems recently. I’ve been upset at baby groups that I love, considering stopping attending to try and feel better. I’ve been struggling with doing too much with hubby back at work and with simply missing him (not missing his help or him giving me a break, actually missing him) and I’ve started to want to hide away at home.

Okay the storms probably aren’t helping.

But I seem to have lost my confidence.

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Left Out

I was at a baby group today where the worst thing ever happened.

It has me second guessing myself, worrying about what I did.

Maybe it’s just my hormones. It probably is, but today I got left out.

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Alone With Elvis

I think Alone used to be a main tag out theme of poetry on what was my main blog; in some ways it was/is one of my greatest fears. Oddly as an only child who is still able to thoroughly entertain myself alone, I still hate feeling alone. Even now I would rather spend my days on my own with Elvis with some item of technology Рcomputer, pad or TV. At the most I currently only really like sharing my time with my mother. Perhaps because she understands, perhaps because she  gives me space and aid.

I can spend hours at my mum’s and feel a bit human. She can chat away to her grandson and I can eat in peace, drink a hot cup of tea, go to the loo, have a lie down, hold an adult conversation with her or her friends. This is all because she only has those hours I visit.

The time I actually feel alone the most is in the evening or weekends when it’s just me, my husband and my son.
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Honesty

A few days (or maybe weeks, but Elvis isn’t quite 5 weeks old yet) ago a comment on one of my posts mentioned how honest my posts are. Well, I have two big secrets that I’ve not been honest about. I don’t know which to admit first.

Okay, today’s secret. I’ve been feeling a bit down today. I woke up feeling crap – headache, backache, sore shoulder. I was in desperate need of extra sleep and, of course, Elvis was wide awake with his daddy heading off to work. There was no extra sleep until until lunchtime where I got over an hour. I’ve managed a few days with no naps, but I think I’m getting a cold and I’ve always suffered with man-flu.

Until 4pm I essentially refused to do anything other than the basics – I fed him, changed him, held him. There was no playing and barely any talking from me. But at 4 I did a bit of playing. I didn’t get a mummy moment and at about half 6, just before daddy came home, I was sitting there, trying to drink a cup of tea, eat a cookie and rocking Elvis on his chair and I had an utterly shameful thought.

Clearly, given my history, I can be described as desperate to have a child – I bloody well paid to get pregnant. And to me parenting isn’t simply giving birth. I want to be a stay at home mum, but I get why some can’t. I also want to actively parent and not just sit around ignoring my child.

Whilst rocking Elvis it ocurred to me why some parents choose to work for non-financial reasons. You see my utterly shameful thought was that I can’t do this day in and day out, that I could give up my maternity leave and pay, stop breastfeeding and go back to work. All just to get me some time to myself.

There’d be my lunch break and the walk to and from work. I’d have time alone, time away from a screaming baby who pulls at my nipples, crying whilst attached at bedtime, time where I don’t have to entertain/think about how best to educate and bring up my child because a childminder/nanny/nursery worker would be. Of course that would all be time that I would simply be worrying about him, feeling guilty for passing him off and regretting not having that bond.

No one ever mentions how hard this all is. Or everyone else finds it far easier. I don’t co-sleep to bond or because it’s natural; I do it so he doesn’t snore and I can sleep, but it means I get no time at all on my own. Not that I’d have any idea what to do alone.

Is it all supposed to come naturally, is that why everyone else finds parenting not as difficult because none of this is natural, which leads into my second secret that I’ve only said to 2 people – is this all so hard because it wasn’t meant to be, because Elvis isn’t or wasn’t supposed to exist?

~ Persephone M

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