Persephone: Parent

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Elvis Has Left the Womb

Day 288 or term plus 13 according to scans and I am well and truly utterly in love with my son.

I am alone with him on a post natal ward (there is a mother with her daughter) and I am already terrified as I have no idea how to be a parent. It brought tears to my eyes.

I also know that I love him like no other, which brought tears to my eyes.

I got rather high on gas and air earlier and was convinced of so many ludicrous things but one, quite logically if you read my blog or know me, was that we wouldn’t end up a happy family of 3. I was convinced of it (high) and demanded my husband choose our son (drugged up) when neither of us was ever at risk!

But after these two really long days I can say with pride that I’m finally a mother and have made it from the trenches, across No Man’s Land, survived the Waiting Game and am now on the other side.

Elvis has left the womb, folks, and entered my family.

Love to everyone who reads this,
~ Persephone M

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Day 283: Verbalising the Worries

Yesterday I was reading through the blogs I follow that I get emails for and one of them stood out to me. I’ll try and find the blog link before posting.

The blogger said that they had been reading about mentally preparing yourself for labour and I wondered exactly what they meant. I’ve done my fair share of reading the facts with regards to labour and then, when it became relevant, induction, choosing to ignore people’s advice from their own experiences due to individual variability. It’s my preference to have knowledge and information regarding processes, signs and symptoms without knowing everyone’s horror stories.

So was that what the blogger meant? No, the blogger had read some information about verbalising, and therefore releasing, your fears, doubts and worries, that by keeping those things in a body could stop or at least hinder labour.

I don’t want to get into discussions or pros and cons or any sort of debate any more than I want people offering up their birth stories or unsolicited advice, but surely verbalising any kind of worry is good for the soul? It’s similar to writing lists before bed to get worries off your mind, not trying to solve the problems just simply getting them off your chest.

As I happened to be reading my emails with hubby sitting next to me I decided to verbalise my issues to him and he sat there and simply listened because there was nothing he could really say. He listened as I told him how I’m concerned that I’ve put all this pressure on myself regarding the birth. He patiently sat there as I admitted that I feel like a failure, that I’ve always considered our fertility problems being my body and my failure. For three years, once a month my body failed and, yeah, fair enough I’ve suceeded in growing this baby and nourishing this baby and doing as much as I possibly can for the good of this baby, but I can still be a failure.

And I don’t even mean the hugely pessimistic failure of something going so wrong that I still don’t get my baby dream. No, I mean that I can fail yet again because of an inability to give birth without assistance. And this isn’t a perceived view of how labour must go from propaganda where some organisation states that nature is best; it’s something I’ve decided that has become a stronger and stronger notion.

I tend to view it as that I was a failure in getting pregnant (you know that thing women are built for) I don’t want my body to fail in labour. By no means do I think that women who require assistance in labour as failures, just as no one else with fertility problems, no one else still sadly in the trenches, as failures. It’s just me! And I’ve now built it up to a huge thing all on my own.

He didn’t even laugh when I told him that I was scared to give birth because then I’ll have to share Elvis, even if it’s sharing Elvis with hubby. Which is crazy, but for however many months Elvis and his kicks, punches and reactions to being tickled have made him so tangible and my child that I don’t want to lose that. I sat there and told him I was concerned that I would push him away because until Elvis is born he is all mine.

Oh, and all the stuff about how I know he’s safe all the time whilst he’s still in me and once he’s out there are far too many things that I can’t control.

And so I told hubby all this stuff, crying very slightly at the time, but if I have been holding Elvis in, maybe now I’ve let the words out I can let him out. I haven’t solved any of my concerns/worries/fears, but I have shared them. So, come on, Elvis!

~ Persephone M

Blog I read: The Solo Mama Project

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Planning Nature’s Unplannable

I think its suitably time now to declare that day 3 of my maternity leave is terribly rubbish and all I really want to do constantly is cry.

It started off as mere annoyance that I was having TV problems, but then, I essentially got called anal by a friend and I am fed up with all of this.

Apparently making a birth plan makes one anal because whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. No matter what you write down.

First off, am I that dumb to not be aware of that?

Secondly, a birth plan is a plan, its advice. Mine puts down my main priorities in a birth not exactly how I want it to happen.

I think I’m just generally fed up with everyone else’s opinions. I’m sick of family who had babies 30 years ago telling me that second hand travel cots with no bassinet level is fine for a newborn. Immediately after declaring “they didn’t even have them in my day”.

Then what exactly do you know about travel cots and sleeping newborns?

Fair enough, newborns haven’t changed but knowledge has. And I’m the one who’s been reading, not them.

I’m fed up with people telling me over and over that I need to buy a steriliser and bottles. First of all it was in case I change my mind. Then if there’s a problem. Then so hubby can do night time feeds. Then to give Elvis a drink if he gets thirsty.

I shot every bloody reason down and they finally gave up.

I’m sick of everyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. Not when not one of them understands.

It’s been 4 years since we decided to start trying to conceive and whilst we finally managed it, there’s still no real tangible baby yet. And even though there is finally a life maturing within me, almost ready to be, it didn’t happen naturally.

So no one with their advice knows what I’m feeling and thinking.

All their babies were 100% natural from the start.

So don’t tell me the opposite of healthcare professionals and what they advise, not when it was a healthcare professional that enabled me to get pregnant. Don’t tell me to share the feeding with hubby, when I don’t want to.

Don’t tell me that bottles of water will keep Elvis hydrated when that is medically wrong. Don’t tell me that I will need pain relief more than gas and air when it’s of super importance that I try and give birth naturally. Just because we have the ability to not be in pain doesn’t mean we should jump at it being pain free.

Don’t tell me how a newborn should be sleeping when you haven’t waited 4 years for that baby. And don’t tell me that babies have their own timetable because do people really believe that I have issues with things not going to how I planned?

I planned on having a baby when I wanted it. I planned on having my first child 3 years ago. I planned every single month during 3 whole years. And it didn’t all change when I stopped planning.

It changed when a nurse gave me drugs that I injected into myself and when a doctor put a catheter into my uterus and put hubby’s sperm there.

I got married, got the home, got the safe and secure jobs because that’s the first part of any plan to have a baby. But my entire plan went out the window.

So, yes, I plan on giving birth with no pain relief at the hospital I’ve chosen and to then breastfeed.

And I think I’m more aware of any of those family and friends who keep imposing their opinions that plans are simply words carried away by winds.

4 years I’ve been waiting and reading and hoping. So yeah I’m anal enough to write a birth plan and, yeah, I might want a natural birth far more than anyone else, but I spent 3 years with my plans failing because of my own lack of natural ability and if having a 100% natural birth can make me forget that drugs and needles made Elvis then that’s what I’m going to try my hardest for.

~ Persephone M

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