Persephone: Parent

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Do You?

Do you feel the same?
Do you feel as I do, as he did?
Will you be like him?
Will this be the making?
What could we do now?
What changes could we make?
Who will she become? Him, you, me?
Who does he look down upon?
Is he guarding, like an angel?
Is he regretful? Is that in our tea?
Where have these roads taken us?
Where will it take the next generation?
Can history be avoided?
Can it be more than ignored?
Why is simple not so?
Why do I care to cry?

(C) Persephone M February 2014

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For the Next 5 Years

The plan for Elvis’ first birthday is to visit his Grandparents who live in Spain. He’s only met them once and it would be lovely to spend that occasion with them. I know my mum will be unhappy, but she’ll still get his first birthday party!

Now the key thing for that is a passport.

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Merry Christmas?

When Elvis was about 4 weeks old, I took him to a gathering of friends to show him off. I was still exhausted all of the time and we were still struggling. Talking to my friends I did happen to say that it was all far harder than I had ever thought being a parent would be.

Someone replied: Well, it’s what you wanted.

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Changing Into the Same

It’s days like today that I realise how different things are from just 4 weeks ago.

And how they’re still the same.

Some of these things, the things that have changed, give me hope. Hope that if the past month is different enough to the first, if things have got better in just four tiny weeks then the next four will be different again, better than the first eight.

Some of the things, those that are the same as four weeks ago is very slightly depressing. I’m not stupid; I understand that parenthood comes with irreversible changes, but there are some things that haven’t changed and I worry they never will or it will take many more months.
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Ups and Downs

After the fearful train journey that went perfectly (along with breastfeeding in public twice!), today has involved more feeding in public, 4 hours sleep in a row and some positive realisations.

Last night was quite terrible! I was still pretty beat from the insomnia of the night before and at 9pm, Elvis and I had to abandon dinner straight after pudding as he wanted his food. This was nice at first as I took to laying down and got a good old rest in.

However when he was still feeding at 1am it wasn’t nice anymore.

But he went to sleep.

Only to awaken at 3am and feed for another hour.

When he woke at 3 I started hyperventilating just at the thought of feeding, of the pain I’d feel.

But feed him I did. And he still wouldn’t sleep.

Which is when we started breaking rules. He wouldn’t settle in the family lent moses basket so daddy put him in his pushchair which clearly states is not for long term sleeping.

As a cousin said to me earlier, mums know best and there are so many do’s and don’t’s which weren’t around when we were little and we survived. This is the same cousin who has three children who anyone would want as their children. Well behaved, polite, well adjusted; they and their parents may be considered perfect.

So we put Elvis to sleep in the not for long term sleeping carry cot and daddy and I woke him up 4 hours later at 9am.

Then we all went out for a family brunch and I fed Elvis in a pub, held a conversation with a stranger and overall felt pretty damn proud of myself. My hellish night was already forgotten.

Just before the speeches began, Elvis got hungry so I set myself up in a corner to avoid being in the wedding photos and he finished before dinner was served.

Before pudding, Elvis was hungry again and I went up to our room. Earlier on I realised that it hurts to feed from one side a hell of a lot more than the other. I think I have a huge crack/split. So I wanted to see if it hurt less on that side sitting up, but didn’t want to test my hypothesis in public.

The crack/split hurts less when I’m sitting up! And my shoulder blade has hurt less from feeding in random different chairs. I was so nervous about the feed because of the pain, but it isn’t as bad now.

I need to heal my nipple and test out my chairs at home. And I need to start having more faith in my instincts as a mother. I survived, my cousin’s children survived and all the children in care whose parents don’t care have survived.

So I have an action plan and Elvis has met every single member of my side of the family, I’m in less pain although I do feel like a zombie with Elvis draining my very life force, but hubby brought my pudding up to the room!

~ Persephone M

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Will it Always Be

I’ve said before that I think I’ll always consider myself fertility challenged and that until I reach the elusive Other Side, I could end up right back in the Trenches with all those others TTC.

I’d like to think that, all being well with Elvis, if I ever wanted a second I’d never liken that inevitable heartache with the 3 years I suffered and what those still TTC their first go through. They’re sure to be similar, both wanting something far outside of your reach, but they’re also world’s apart.

With a little over 2 weeks until my EDD it’s still all so uncertain. I could still lose everything and have my desperate run for life be shot down at the final hurdle. I honestly thought things would get better, that I’d stop feeling like this when I got pregnant because I was/am lucky enough to have conceived with assistance. Naively I knew that I’d never stop feeling infertile but I hoped it’d feel better.

It doesn’t feel better.

Despite feeling a 37 week Elvis kicking me I still feel like crap when someone else gets pregnant, when someone else is lucky enough to skip over all the pain and heartache I went through. I don’t hate them, not like I used to, but I still can’t deal with them.

Will it always be like this? Or will Elvis heal it all? How can I stop all of this coming between me, my family and my friends?

~ Persephone M

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Baby Showers: Gifts

Baby Showers… Hmmm….

I decided quite early on that I did want a baby shower. Not for the gifts. Not for any other reason than to celebrate my incredible journey and how it’s almost complete.

I’ve only been to one other baby shower and I truly cannot remember what I bought for my friend, but I do remember having brunch in a restaurant and playing a few, non-traumatic games. There were no smelling nappies or eating chocolate spread from them. There were no “drinking games” involving baby bottles (although that is something hubby and I have discussed). It was simply a meal, a few quizes and handing over gifts.

For my baby shower, I didn’t want to be bombarded with presents that do tend (from reports) to be filled with the same things. You know 101 0-3 month babygros might be really thoughtful, but kind of impractical. So I asked guests, if they wanted to, bring vouchers as there are a few little things left on my “to buy” list. I did get a few little things though and I love them (a sleeping bag (not newborn!), baby wipes, nappy bags (I now have 400 which sounds like such a lot!) and other disposably things. I haven’t yet bought any “toys” other than a cot mobile, and one gift included some bath-time toys (I love bath-time playing!) and another a rattle gift set.

So I was very pleased that I didn’t end up with 101 babygros and that I got some useful and cute little things, but I did discover the night before that I’d missed out on a real trick.

I read an article comparing Jenna Bush Hager’s baby shower with the girl from the Saturdays and I instantly loved JBH’s idea: bring your favourite baby-book as a gift.

I wish I’d thought of it or seen that earlier because I would have loved for my nearest and dearest to each provide me with their favourite children’s book. It’d just be amazing. Maybe, if my post-birth baby-adled brain remembers, I’ll request that all first birthday presents be favourite books. Just today, my maternity cover brought me in her children’s nursery rhyme book and a Winnie the Pooh bedtime story musical book. I love books!

~ Persephone M

Links:

http://www.everydayfamily.com/blog/jenna-bush-hager-has-an-interesting-baby-shower-theme/

For up to the minute info: https://twitter.com/EliseM314 #ElvisIsComing

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