Persephone: Parent

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I’m Happy For You

There is probably an element of shame and guilt in this, but, hey, it’s my blog and my feelings. I’m writing this on New Year’s Eve and only realised earlier that I seem to finally be happy with other people’s pregnancies. And I genuinely am. I learnt of two summer-due babies recently and I genuinely felt happy with no undercurrent of jealousy or bitterness.

It confused me when I got pregnant with Elvis, that I still felt bitter at friend’s announcements. I put it down to not actually having my child, that it could still go wrong. Then even once I had Elvis, pregnancy announcements would make me fakely smile and then cry in private. Why? Because they had done it naturally? Because they had all decided to get pregnant and did?

Then I got pregnant without trying. Looking at the maths, I probably still took far longer than any of them. But it still happened. And now I finally seem to be less bitter and jealous. I by no means think I’m over my infertility, I still identify myself with those struggling to conceive (I cannot wipe away 3 years). But I don’t get upset afterwards.

Except it has been replaced with a bitterness and jealousy over birth. Yep, all those mums that can go into labour, that don’t need drugs to start or enhance it, all those mums that can actually labour and, shock, horror, can even give birth through the natural hole. Each and every one of them sends a pang of jealousy through me.

And, as I have no idea, what’s in store for me, I have no idea if a second c-section will make this jealousy and envy worse, or if a VBAC will heal me? Or perhaps, with all of my increased research and knowledge, I will be at peace however Robin comes into the world.

I just hope that I can continue to be happy for friends and the future pregnancies they’re destined for.

~ P

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My Body Did Not Fail…

You wouldn’t believe how much I want to say that and believe it. I guess I thought I’d gotten over my birthing failures but being surprisingly pregnant a second time, discussing and thinking about a second birth, obviously it’s brought it all back to me.

For a recap (and because the VBAC midwife confirmed what happened), I was induced at T+12 with artificial rupture of my membranes at about 7am ish. Somewhere around mid-morning or lunch, I was put on the induction drip due to nothing happening. Within 4 hours, I had still not progressed any further from 7am and the decision was made for C-section. Due to the induction, I was under constant fetal monitoring, which is restrictive in itself, but Elvis was a pickle and his heartbeat could only be picked up when I was lying on my side. I couldn’t even swap sides!

Meanwhile, the gas and air made me incredibly high. I have never taken any sort of drug before. Other than medically given anaesthetic for operations, paracetamol and alcohol! The first time I took co-codamol for a migraine, I passed out for two days! So, I think gas and air made me loopy. I can remember the room spinning. I can remember hubby and midwife maniacally laughing at me, spinning in a 60s type of vibe. It was all a bit psychedelic and flower-powery for me. I became convinced at some point that hubby was having an affair with the midwife we met that morning and he was never alone with. I don’t remember opening my eyes at all. I only realised that I was missing time when a song came on my ipod that I know off by heart and realised it was missing lines. The music from my ipod all got a dance-remix with heartbeats. I was not on this planet!

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My Birth Story

I probably have mentioned some of the ins and outs of my labour, I’m not sure quite how much, but there are a few things that I’m sure I haven’t put down in words.

Surprisingly there’s some facts surrounding my birth story that I actually spoke about to a real person about before putting it down electronically.

And I don’t mean all the gory details. Nope, I mean my crazy head and my son’s existence.
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287 I Shouldn’t Be Here

I’m sitting, waiting for over 7 hours to be induced, randomly getting contractions/tightenings that hurt and make me want to cry and I know that I shouldn’t be here.

Lack of communication and abandoment at last year’s simple laparoscopy in this exact hospital made me hate overnights in hospital. It isn’t that I hate or am afraid of hospitals. Only overnight.

And today is starting to feel like that all over again. I woke up from the laparoscopy with unusual pain in my shoulder (huh?) And there was no one to explain or help me in and out of bed. We’ve been given such limited information today and so many mixed messages. I shouldn’t still be here, waiting 7 hours later with no end in sight.

For the past two nights I have woken up frequently in pain from contractions/tightenings and have audibly cried out in pain, but I had a double bed to myself to spread out in. At this rate I will spend tonight in a cramped single bed, crying out and waking up others without any stage of induction being started. Where’s the logic in that?

Why didn’t I stick to my original plan and wait a few more days?

Why can’t I suffer these pains in private tonight and not on a ward with other sleeping women?

I really shouldn’t be here.

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To Induce Or Not?

Yesterday was my final midwife appointment and she seems fine with how Elvis and I are. As she was listening to his heart beat he kicked and his heart rate increased, which is a good thing. I’d already read that they look for heart rate changes after contractions so I knew it was a good thing.

She said I’m looking healthy and my readings indicated I’m calm. I don’t feel stressed. Maybe a bit bored of waiting, but not stressed.

I was informed that on Saturday (Elvis, you got 4 days) I’ll get a call informing me of when my induction will be. And it should be booked for Monday. So, Elvis, you got a week! However I told the MW that I’m not keen on the idea of induction. I’ve done some reading and just don’t want to evict him before he’s ready.

Obviously I wouldn’t risk him waiting for him to be ready and by Saturday I might have changed my mind. I also declined having a sweep because I’m not sure it’d do anything and the MW agreed. If he isn’t ready, are interventions going to help?

If most babies come before 42 weeks then on Monday I’ll be 41+5 according to scan dates but 41 exactly by insemination dates. By turning down the induction, I then have a few days of monitoring which could be all the time he needs to reach 42.

In some ways I think that being awake for two hours Sunday morning with period cramps and lower back pain, still having infrequent but growing in discomfort Braxton Hicks means that my body is still preparing.

According to the literature the MW gave me, the first stage of induction is preparing the cervix with hormones. These prostins may need to be given for a couple of days and there are instances when they don’t work at all.

Stage 2 is rupturing the membranes once the cervix is ready. Which, for first timers, is followed immediately by stage 3 – another hormone.

This infusion of syntocinon is an artificial form of oxytocin which is used to make the uterus contract. Immediately you’re restricted slightly because this has to be done via a drip. Although the literature I’ve been given says you are still mobile despite the drip and monitoring.

Due to how induction works, labour can be shorter, but it becomes more intense far quicker. Some women then find they need pain relief quicker than they may have planned.

I appreciate that all of this is subjective, but then everything concerning pregnancy and labour is. It just all seems so forced and artificial and against every single thought I had about labour.

And before anyone thinks the best laid plans and that words are wind I am fully aware that plans don’t always work. Taking 4 years to get a child was not my plan. Undergoing simple blood tests and invasive surgery was not my plan. Paying for a cheaper and simpler treayment than free IVF was not my plan. Risking losing my ovaries, damaging my fallopian tubes, triplets and having to abort if there were issues was not my plan. Having hormones and doctors start my pregnancy was never my plan.

I adjusted all of those plans so planning against an induction does not mean I will stick rigidly to it at a detriment to Elvis.

Elvis has until Saturday/Monday to keep this decision out of my hands!

~ Persephone M

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