Persephone: Parent

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Sleeping Like A Baby

My baby is the noisiest sleeper ever. And I thought Elvis was a noisy sleepy baby. Right now Robin is lying on me as we rock in the nursing chair making her tired noise. She’s bloody loud. She’s also sucking or chewing her finger. The moment it comes out more noise!

The past two nights have featured a lot of snuffling, grunting, noise in general. The past two days have featured a problem with deep sleep napping on me or daddy. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m only awake today as she slept on my arm for 4 hours last night. Due to cosleeping she went 7 hours between feeds and only woke for a feed at 4am because I shifted her into her cot.

I think she has a cold. I hope she doesn’t want to cosleep all the time, it causes all manner of aches and pains in me.

So I can either get no sleep as she grunts away, sleep in the spare bed or cosleep.

Meanwhile, my new decision to get off the sofa and go walking on a morning means she sleeps a lot better in her pushchair but I rarely put her down for other naps at home. I guess I’m worried that she’s losing her ability to sleep alone – she’s not getting into a deep enough sleep unless on me or in a pushchair.

And she still won’t take a dummy.

But, hey, we’re 11 weeks in. Is this a sleep regression?

~ P

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The Unknown

I just want someone to be able to tell me that Robin will be just like Elvis. She’s 7 weeks old, Elvis was about 16 weeks old when he stopped needing any over night feeds and he never had them after then. Are we 9 weeks away from Robin being the same?

Are we closer?

Are we further?

I get insomnia. When I wake for a night feed, despite Robin being by my side in a co-sleeper cot, I wake up fully. Despite me relaxing during the feed, drifting off to sleep a bit, too, I wake up when I’m carefully putting Robin down. Then her snuffles keep me awake, questioning if it’s her not fully asleep or just settling herself back down.

It’s tough.

The past two nights I’ve tried side lying to feed. The first night was amazing but did end up with far more co-sleeping which makes me achey. Last night, either due to insomnia or fearing full relaxtion, I didn’t sleep as well.

Oh, and she’s spent the past two nights on a 3 hour routine rather than 4-5.

Is it just a few day phase? Is it because she feeds less when lying down, nursing more sitting up? Do I drift off and pull away when we’re lying down?

And I don’t want her to get used to sleeping right by my side.

If I’m going to wake up fully no matter which position I may as well go for the one that leads to me being more comfortable.

It still leaves me with the unknown – 9 weeks to go? Or more? Or less?

~ P

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Driving Away in A Big Black Cab

Okay so actually the taxi wasn’t black.

It wasn’t a big taxi cab either, just a regular taxi. And it did drive me away last night.

At 10pm, after Elvis’ dream feed, I called a taxi and left.

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Damn Fucking Insomnia

I’d finally made plans for today for both of us. I was going to have lunch with a friend after attending a Sure Start Centre that’s due to close but has far nicer people than the other centres I’ve attended.

Well Elvis took ages to go to sleep last night. I stayed calm. By 11 he was asleep. I wasn’t, I stayed calm. At 3 he started to wake up, I was still wide awake and calm. I called hubby up at 4 hoping his presence would calm me. It did and I fell asleep to be awoken at 5 by a hungry son.

Now, after a bit of sleep, I feel worse. I’ve moved to the sofa for his feed, hoping he falls asleep and the TV helps me to sleep. If we both sleep then I will consider attending the center in the hopes that Elvis stays awake there.

Then we can be home by lunch and go back to sleep. I can manage nights awake, but not the day after when I wanted to do things for us. Especially when, as it wasn’t him that kept me awake, he might not want to sleep today.

Help!

~ Persephone M

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Is It Any Different?

Apparently tonight is going to be my third night of difficulties going to sleep, but I’m not constantly itching and scratching. Neither am I hysterically crying so this is going to have to end up a better night.

Right?

I’ve always had random bouts of insomnia. The odd night here or there where I just cannot sleep. It doesn’t normally last longer than one night though. I guess pregnancy hormones are a completely different ball game.

I was just lying here, unable to sleep when it dawned on me how similar right now is to all those months I was trying to conceive.

For three years, every 26-27 days my head would start going crazy. I never figured out if it was the hormones already dropping or if it was the anticipation and hope. But every month I would hope and wait, hope a little bit more and it never worked.

I used to think that I was naive and stupid. Every month that’s what I’d tell myself afterwards. Because for those few days leading up to 28/29 (which would become day 1) I became an expert in ignoring my own body.

I would be able to ignore the obvious mood change that would otherwise be screaming period! I would be able to ignore how my breasts hurt or any twinges of period pain. I would be naive and stupid enough to convince myself that they were also signs of pregnancy not failure.

After all those months I became quite good at lying to myself month after month which only ever hurt me more. Deep down I guess that I always knew.

Until the month we did the IUI. It wasn’t our final hope but there was still pressure. That month I had no breakdown. I had no usual signs and yet I still kept telling myself that it couldn’t have worked. I was still trying to lie to myself.

I can remember taking the pregnancy test as my husband showered and I peaked at it before he was ready. I peaked because I knew. Just as, deep down, I’d always known the truth no matter how hard I lied to myself every single month I failed, I knew the IUI had worked.

Now all those hopes and anticipations are the exact opposite.

I’ve read all the first signs of labour and know some of what I should be looking out for so now I keep hoping for them. I keep anticipating them. So perhaps the monthly breakdown of my mental state was more linked to my hopes and anticipations because maybe that’s what’s happening again now.

The hope and anticipation of starting labour, but it not starting yet is causing my tearful breakdowns and down moods.

What truly made me think of all this was when it dawned on me. Where I spent 3 years hoping and praying, ignoring the first twinges of period pain now, as an early sign, I keep hoping and praying for “period pain”.

Of course I’m also hoping that with this revelation my mind calms down and allows me to sleep!

~ Persephone M
#ElvisIsComing

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