Persephone: Parent

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#ThrowbackThursday: Elvis Has Left the Womb

This is a reposting of the blog I wrote 365 days ago, on day 288 of my pregnancy. I have no recollection of writing it or even what I wrote. That makes me scared to read back the other early day blogs!

Day 288 or term plus 13 according to scans and I am well and truly utterly in love with my son.

I am alone with him on a post natal ward (there is a mother with her daughter) and I am already terrified as I have no idea how to be a parent. It brought tears to my eyes.

I also know that I love him like no other, which brought tears to my eyes.

I got rather high on gas and air earlier and was convinced of so many ludicrous things but one, quite logically if you read my blog or know me, was that we wouldn’t end up a happy family of 3. I was convinced of it (high) and demanded my husband choose our son (drugged up) when neither of us was ever at risk!

But after these two really long days I can say with pride that I’m finally a mother and have made it from the trenches, across No Man’s Land, survived the Waiting Game and am now on the other side.

Elvis has left the womb, folks, and entered my family.

Love to everyone who reads this,
~ Persephone M

Here’s to the next 365 or 288 days!

Happy first NameDay, Elvis, first of your name!

~ P

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Do You?

Do you feel the same?
Do you feel as I do, as he did?
Will you be like him?
Will this be the making?
What could we do now?
What changes could we make?
Who will she become? Him, you, me?
Who does he look down upon?
Is he guarding, like an angel?
Is he regretful? Is that in our tea?
Where have these roads taken us?
Where will it take the next generation?
Can history be avoided?
Can it be more than ignored?
Why is simple not so?
Why do I care to cry?

(C) Persephone M February 2014

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Happy Birthday Me! I Love You All.

I have been out and about all day – still hot, but lovely breeze – so can’t write a full on post, but I want to say a huge thank you to this fantastic online community.

Yesterday’s post scored new viewing highs for this blog, saw many new followers and became my highest commented post.

Truly, learning that this is not abnormal, the unspoken pains of newbie motherhood, the loneliness, the feeling trapped, that others have been there and that it isn’t just me, it means the world. It really does.

I’m not too good at talking, well I love talking – I rarely shut up – but I don’t like talking. I don’t trust my emotions, don’t trust myself not to cry. I don’t want my friends and family to think I’m weak, for them to feel sorry for me. Although I hide nothing from this blog and don’t hide it from my friends and family, I can ignore their sympathy online as it rarely occurs in person.

But to share my problems, my little/huge hiccups with this fantastic online community that is physically anonymous and to be told by survivors that I’m normal, that I can and will survive, it means the world. I love you all for helping me get through this.

I started this blog describing my journey of trying to conceive as like a war. First you’re in the trenches, praying and hoping to make it out. Then, the lucky ones make it onto no-man’s land, they get pregnant, where they hope to dodge every bullet and grenade coming their way to make it to the other side. Now this elusive other side is all they’ve wanted for years. They’ve suffered month after month of heartbreak and pain to get there, they have physically, emotionally and perhaps financially paid to get there. It’s supposed to be perfect, right? They’ve been preparing for it for years, right? They’re strong enough after the trenches, right?

There are still battles on the other side. Smaller ones. Daily. Hand to hand combat. Perhaps some Miles Matheson style sword fights. But you all made it, and show me it’s normal. I will fight every day. I will survive The Other Side. Thanks to you, reading this!

~ Persephone M

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Yesterday, I Fell In Love

I’m probably about to bring great, humungous shame on myself as a parent, but yesterday I fell in love with my son.

Yesterday, I felt it for the first time.

Sure I’ve thought he was cute and I’ve known how much he completely and totally depends on me. But I’d felt necessity until yesterday.

I had a comment on a blog earlier this week about how honest my posts are, which they are except for a few things that I leave out, refusing to admit them. It’s a refusal out of fear and shame.

It is by far a secret that I spent the first two weeks finding everything incredibly difficult. On Sunday night I finally admitted to hubby how difficult and how I felt. I admitted that, at that time, I was only doing everything I was for my husband. I wasn’t feeding Elvis because Elvis needed me to, I was doing it because hubby wanted me to. I wasn’t forcing myself to stay at home with my family for Elvis’ sake, it was because, if I left I’d lose my husband and I don’t want that.

At that point I was still happy to sleep on the sofa abandoning my son in the room with his daddy who was fast asleep and none the wiser. I was happy for daddy to take Elvis out for a few hours and leave me in peace – I wouldn’t know where either of them were. When I was with him I was only making sure that he was safe – room temperature, layers of clothing, etc – because we both suffered so much to get Elvis, not because I didn’t want to lose him.

Until yesterday when I looked down at him at some point and felt so scared of losing him because I love him. So when he spent the night sounding really mucousy to the point that I couldn’t sleep out of worry, I took him downstairs to where it was quieter so I could sleep and hear him. Last week I’d have left him with daddy out of annoyance.

Now there are no thoughts of me walking out, not from fear of losing my hubby but because I could never do that to Elvis. Now I no longer view Elvis as a leech, draining all my life from me. He’s my child and I love him.

It just took over 3 weeks for it to happen!

~ Persephone M

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Elvis Has Left the Womb

Day 288 or term plus 13 according to scans and I am well and truly utterly in love with my son.

I am alone with him on a post natal ward (there is a mother with her daughter) and I am already terrified as I have no idea how to be a parent. It brought tears to my eyes.

I also know that I love him like no other, which brought tears to my eyes.

I got rather high on gas and air earlier and was convinced of so many ludicrous things but one, quite logically if you read my blog or know me, was that we wouldn’t end up a happy family of 3. I was convinced of it (high) and demanded my husband choose our son (drugged up) when neither of us was ever at risk!

But after these two really long days I can say with pride that I’m finally a mother and have made it from the trenches, across No Man’s Land, survived the Waiting Game and am now on the other side.

Elvis has left the womb, folks, and entered my family.

Love to everyone who reads this,
~ Persephone M

4 Comments »

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