Persephone: Parent

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Pregnancy Yoga: Breathing Out the Pain

I started yoga last week and today we focussed on relaxation. During a deep relaxation technique we were told to think of pain, the worst pain you’ve ever felt, excruciating pain and then breathe it out. Then think of pleasure and breathe it in. To think of a stormy sea, thunder and lightning, dark gloomy skies and snow peaked hills, then lush green valleys, a calm ocean and bright blue skies.

It was all so relaxing,  I completely zoned out at some point. I lost track of time. I couldn’t hear the traffic or unfortunate building noise; I could hear only the instructor and CD. I left the whole session feeling so lifted and pain free.

Do you know what though? The pain I imagined, the pain I thought of that is the worst pain ever, it wasn’t the induced labour pains, the Braxton Hicks I had for nights before my induction. The pain I imagined wasn’t anything to do with the physical pain of major abdominal surgery. I briefly thought of the pain from initially breastfeeding. I had a few thoughts of the pain I felt every month when, once again, I started my period and had been failed by my body. The things that kept coming into my head on every exhalation were words.

Words that other people have said to me.

On every inhalation, I was repeating my mantra and on every exhalation I had another sentence, another remark that someone had made to me without probably any conscious thought, but never the less were words that hurt me, that stayed with me. They were words about me, words about my son, words about my parenting, words about my abilities, words about my choices, words about my weight, words about my failings. I could hear all of their voices – my mother and her insistence, my in-laws and their questioning, my friends and their criticism, my family members and a passing comment. I could list them all here, each instance that I vividly remember and they have all forgotten if they even knew that they had said those words to me.

But I don’t need to list them, because I breathed them out. I let go of them all. I will no longer keep a mental tally of how someone has upset me because I will just release it as simply as you release a breath. And I truly did feel so much better as I left yoga and headed to work. I felt so much lighter.

There’s still nothing I can do about worrying over labour, hoping for a VBAC. There’s still nothing I can do to organise my working hours and pay until I get some answers, but I can give up everything else.

The thing that is sticking in my mind though is that my pain is words. None of my pain that I hold on to is physical. I can barely remember what physical pain feels like (except for my pregnancy back pain), but I remember every single word. I become haunted by words and I doubt a lot of people know or understand that about me, but in the grand scheme of things, I can only change myself and not everyone else. So all of those people whose words I heard when told to imagine pain, maybe if they read and understand this, realise this about me, they may work to change themselves, but I have no power over that; I can simply breathe out what they say to me and refuse to let them hurt me, refuse to allow myself to become bitter. I am strong in my life. I am free.

~ P

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Can I give up Now?

For anyone’s information, this entire blog is now censored and amended to no longer be accurate to my thoughts and feelings for the sake of everyone else in the world as I am not deemed important enough to have feelings. So feel free to simply laugh at the post below.

The pains and aches are too much. It hurts to walk, not my pelvis anymore, my lower back. And my upper back aches when I try and relax my lower back. My bump has just got harder, like, overnight and it’s uncomfortable to lean forward. I’m tired all the time. 15 months ago, I was yearning for a time that Elvis would have an actual bedtime and when I would get a bit of time after he was asleep before I would go to bed. Now? Now, I would happily go to bed before him.

I can’t get a straight answer out of my bosses about my annual leave and I’m really worried that I’m going to lose a whole load of leave or be refused it. Meanwhile I’m trying to cling on until Christmas holidays. I’m beginning to doubt myself and the ability to last that long. I’ve already brought forward my help me date — I can’t deal with the 80 minutes of solid walking and hubby is happy to take his lunch ferrying Elvis and I around. I was hoping to not take advantage of his lunch hour, but now am hoping to at least the end of November before giving up.

Meanwhile, after a few pay cock-ups and a house move, money has become tight. We’re still paying the mortgage and bills at an old address, but no bills at the new house yet. We need to finish and sell the old house. I need that mortgage money to pay the nursery — especially with my impending maternity pay. I have never felt money be this tight and at least last time I had savings to help me out. Until we sell our old house, I do not have that financial security. But there’s nothing I can do to speed that up. I can’t shift the few boxes remaining. I can’t drive there and back, emptying the house. And I can’t paint the one damn wall that needs painting!

And I would really like all of these things sorted before Robin comes along (obviously the pain and feeling uncomfortable will).

I would really like to fast forward time!

~ P x

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Blogging the Bad Times

I knew I hadn’t blogged in a while, but I didn’t realise it was so long ago! 6th August.

So much has happened. And it’s all been good.

Until now and apparently I only blog when it’s all bad!

Apologies for not even realising that there were comments followers had been making or replying to. I haven’t even logged in until now.

And I’ve logged in to say that I am tired of all of this. I remember in all of my infertility blogs, I’d moan about all the pain of trying and constantly failing and that the elusive baby would make my life better, would make it all complete and all of that pain would go away, that a baby in my arms would be all the reward for those 3 years of pain.

Well it isn’t.

If I had the want, I could write a blog a day filled with pain, failure and heartache to rival my infertility blogs.

A small part of me yearns for those days because the pain was cyclical, I had days were I could ignore my infertility and failings. I can’t ignore all my failings now. They’re with me all the time.

Maybe rejoining the blogging world will help. Or it’ll give me more pain.

P x

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And the insomnia returns

Blame it on me worrying about travelling today, but from half ten last night to half 1 in the morning Elvis slept right through.

I was wide awake.

He then fed from half 1 to half 3. I wanted to sleep.

We both slept from half 3 to half 5 and now I’m feeding him again.

My nipples ache after/during a feed. He keeps leaking milk. My breasts feel incredibly heavy and achey before he wants another feed making it impossible for me to want to hold him against me. My shoulder is killing me from bad posture that I can’t seem to figure out when he’s on the left hand side; it now even hurts to lie down. I’m starving through the night so keep snacking, my teeth are going to rot.

I hate this and today my inevitable exhaustion is my own fault because my mind refused to rest for the 4 solid hours Elvis slept. I really want to walk out.

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Looking Forward

Now this post has nothing to do with looking forward to what Elvis will be like or how I hope things go minute by minute. It may also sound ungrateful or that I’m annoyed at my pregnancy; it’s neither of these things.

I hope, or am looking forward to, my stomach acid clearing up. There seems to have been neither rhyme nor reason for it. It can’t be because Elvis is squishing my tummy as I had it when he was barely bigger than a bean. If he isn’t a hairy baby then I’ve suffered this burning for no reason!

I almost ache to sleep on my back or front. Honestly, I never imagined how sick I would be of sleeping on my sides. And the pain of that moment on your back as you try to roll over… I could almost pray for lying on my back asap. I’m also pretty sick of sitting straight up on my bum, unable to rest on one side and lean on hubby.

I’d like to look forward to all my shoes fitting again once Elvis is here, but apparently they may stay bigger which is rubbish for my already freakishly large feet!

There’s also the odd discomfort I frequently have in my toes and fingers. They ache, presumably some joint based thing, but of all the aches and pains it seems the oddest body part. Maybe the toes because my legs and feet have to carry an excess weight (although my legs have been fine!), but my fingers???? Hip pain, back pain… every pain I’ve had in pregnancy makes perfect sense except fingers!

Those are the simple little, almost irrelevant and insignificant things that I look forward to!

~ Persephone M

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Will it Always Be

I’ve said before that I think I’ll always consider myself fertility challenged and that until I reach the elusive Other Side, I could end up right back in the Trenches with all those others TTC.

I’d like to think that, all being well with Elvis, if I ever wanted a second I’d never liken that inevitable heartache with the 3 years I suffered and what those still TTC their first go through. They’re sure to be similar, both wanting something far outside of your reach, but they’re also world’s apart.

With a little over 2 weeks until my EDD it’s still all so uncertain. I could still lose everything and have my desperate run for life be shot down at the final hurdle. I honestly thought things would get better, that I’d stop feeling like this when I got pregnant because I was/am lucky enough to have conceived with assistance. Naively I knew that I’d never stop feeling infertile but I hoped it’d feel better.

It doesn’t feel better.

Despite feeling a 37 week Elvis kicking me I still feel like crap when someone else gets pregnant, when someone else is lucky enough to skip over all the pain and heartache I went through. I don’t hate them, not like I used to, but I still can’t deal with them.

Will it always be like this? Or will Elvis heal it all? How can I stop all of this coming between me, my family and my friends?

~ Persephone M

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