Day 283: Verbalising the Worries

Yesterday I was reading through the blogs I follow that I get emails for and one of them stood out to me. I’ll try and find the blog link before posting.

The blogger said that they had been reading about mentally preparing yourself for labour and I wondered exactly what they meant. I’ve done my fair share of reading the facts with regards to labour and then, when it became relevant, induction, choosing to ignore people’s advice from their own experiences due to individual variability. It’s my preference to have knowledge and information regarding processes, signs and symptoms without knowing everyone’s horror stories.

So was that what the blogger meant? No, the blogger had read some information about verbalising, and therefore releasing, your fears, doubts and worries, that by keeping those things in a body could stop or at least hinder labour.

I don’t want to get into discussions or pros and cons or any sort of debate any more than I want people offering up their birth stories or unsolicited advice, but surely verbalising any kind of worry is good for the soul? It’s similar to writing lists before bed to get worries off your mind, not trying to solve the problems just simply getting them off your chest.

As I happened to be reading my emails with hubby sitting next to me I decided to verbalise my issues to him and he sat there and simply listened because there was nothing he could really say. He listened as I told him how I’m concerned that I’ve put all this pressure on myself regarding the birth. He patiently sat there as I admitted that I feel like a failure, that I’ve always considered our fertility problems being my body and my failure. For three years, once a month my body failed and, yeah, fair enough I’ve suceeded in growing this baby and nourishing this baby and doing as much as I possibly can for the good of this baby, but I can still be a failure.

And I don’t even mean the hugely pessimistic failure of something going so wrong that I still don’t get my baby dream. No, I mean that I can fail yet again because of an inability to give birth without assistance. And this isn’t a perceived view of how labour must go from propaganda where some organisation states that nature is best; it’s something I’ve decided that has become a stronger and stronger notion.

I tend to view it as that I was a failure in getting pregnant (you know that thing women are built for) I don’t want my body to fail in labour. By no means do I think that women who require assistance in labour as failures, just as no one else with fertility problems, no one else still sadly in the trenches, as failures. It’s just me! And I’ve now built it up to a huge thing all on my own.

He didn’t even laugh when I told him that I was scared to give birth because then I’ll have to share Elvis, even if it’s sharing Elvis with hubby. Which is crazy, but for however many months Elvis and his kicks, punches and reactions to being tickled have made him so tangible and my child that I don’t want to lose that. I sat there and told him I was concerned that I would push him away because until Elvis is born he is all mine.

Oh, and all the stuff about how I know he’s safe all the time whilst he’s still in me and once he’s out there are far too many things that I can’t control.

And so I told hubby all this stuff, crying very slightly at the time, but if I have been holding Elvis in, maybe now I’ve let the words out I can let him out. I haven’t solved any of my concerns/worries/fears, but I have shared them. So, come on, Elvis!

~ Persephone M

Blog I read: The Solo Mama Project

28 Days to Go… If I can Count

I’m incredibly tired today so not 100% sure I can count, but I know that my EDD is 4 weeks to day, which I guess is 28 days, or 27 depending on how you count.

Whatever, I guess, it doesn’t really matter seeing as it can be plus or minus 2 weeks. Hell, it can be way less than minus two weeks.

I barely got any sleep last night. I think Elvis (or at least the bump) grew right before bedtime and it made it all so awkward and uncomfortable. I now feel utterly exhausted. Was planning on going swimming again tonight, but not if I’m this tired.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or a random conversation I had yesterday, but I seem to keep having random moments of panic and fear today.

The first few months of pregnancy were horrible for me. I was convinced that after 3 years of trying and then paying to get pregnant, my pregnancy would not last. Lots of people say this is normal and changes after you see the heartbeat.

Saw that at 7 weeks. Nope.

Or it gets better after you see the baby at a scan and see it look like an actual baby.

Nope.

I stopped panicking and worrying, fearing the worst, when Elvis started moving so much. For someone who used to hate all pregnant bellies (they looked weird and moved!), I’ve fallen in love with mine and can happily sit there mesmerised watching bits poke out and ripples across the top.

Until today when I do keep worrying that I haven’t felt him move for a while. Except I don’t often feel him moving all day long.

And I have felt him move, just not as much as he was doing during the night (probably did not help the sleeping thing). I’m just starting to get the fear that things can still go wrong and as these 2, 4 or 6 weeks start winding down the fear could simply grow and grow (alongside him!)

As if on cue, a few kicks and ripples from Elvis and this post is mostly irrelevant!

~ A very tired Persephone M x

Week 31: GP

As this is technically week 31 (from the beginning not up to my due date), I had to have a GP appointment.

I’ve only had to see a GP twice, and I’ve seen a different GP each time. The first time it was Doctor Useless who used to be one of only 3 doctors at the practice. They’re absolutely awful. At the antenatal appointment, Dr Useless barely asked me anything, measured me and listened for Elvis’ heartbeat without actually telling me what they were doing and without explaining any of the results. I’m used to Doctor Useless, luckily.

For the second GP appointment, I saw a new person that I’ve never seen there before (we’re now a practice of about 10 doctors) – Doctor Glasses (simply because they wear glasses and I’m feeling unimaginative!). And how refreshing the appointment was. Doctor G explained the tests, checked my swollen ankles, asked me about the iron tablets and made me feel so much more at ease. They confirmed that Elvis’ head is still at the bottom (I think he’s pretty comfortable and doesn’t spin or turn anymore), but not engaged – good! Dr G also asked if I feel lots of movement and I said yes, that Elvis had found my ribs the day before.

He’s only attacked my ribs the twice, but he’s definitely always kicking just on the one side and slightly in the middle (some of it feels like he’s trying to escape through the tummy) so I’m hoping that points towards him not being back-to-back, rather side facing.

Now I just have to wait 2 more weeks for the next Midwife appointment, which was made for a Bank Holiday… umm…

~ Persephone M